Ted Wilson Reviews the World #231


★★★★ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing fur.

Fur is hair but when it covers most or all of an animal’s body. If it only covers the head or genitals then it’s just hair. I once saw a man in the gym shower who had so much hair it almost counted as fur. I could have made a small hat out of just the hair on his back.

If I had fur it would mean I could throw all my jackets away because I would always be warm. I wouldn’t, though. Instead I would donate them to people who didn’t have fur. I would also have to move to a cooler climate or just stay indoors with the AC on during the summer. If I really had to go outdoors to get groceries or something I could shave myself but that would take so long and I would feel naked after.

It might be dangerous to have fur because rich eccentrics might prize my human fur and threaten me for it. Now that I think about it, having fur sounds pretty complicated. I’m glad I only have hair.

When you remove the fur of an animal, that animal looks like the chupacabra. If I ever find the chupacabra I’m going to glue fur all over it so it looks like a dog and people leave it alone. Then when everyone agrees it must just be a dog, I’ll have to put him down because if I don’t eventually someone will discover my lie and come for him. It will be better this way.

The animal with fur I relate to the most is the polar bear because all his fur is white and it makes him look old like me. Polar bears are the Steve Martins of the bear kingdom, but only in terms of appearance. I don’t find polar bears to be very funny.

If we shaved all the animals with fur one day each year, we could produce enough fur to make a blanket large enough to cover all the homeless people in the world. If you are writing a paper about animals or homeless people or blankets, please do not quote me. This is not a statistic I have ever seen anywhere but I just thought of it now and it feels right.

This would be a pretty amazing blanket because it would be warm but also fuzzy and fun to cuddle with. PETA would hate this blanket and would throw blood all over it and ruin the blanket. Then we’d have to make another one and that would anger them even more.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing The Righteous Brothers.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →