MY RIDING LAWNMOWER
★★★★★ (1 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing my riding lawnmower.
Because I’m not as young as I used to be, I bought a riding lawnmower. It’s much easier than a push lawnmower. Unfortunately it’s also much easier to fall asleep on. I climbed on feeling quite happy and excited, prepared to trim my lawn and get some reading done in the process. Unfortunately the seat was so darn comfortable I dozed off. When I came to, the sun had gone down and I was in my neighbor’s bushes. The lawnmower was out of gas and I had to push it back into my yard. What a disappointment that turned out to be.
They should really have put some warnings in the instruction booklet about how comfortable the seat is. The only warning was about the spinning blades underneath the chassis. Those blades are pretty dangerous and seem like overkill for something as puny as grass. My lawnmower is basically an upside down helicopter with no seatbelt. It’s really a very dangerous thing and I’m not sure who approved it.
The danger isn’t just to the driver, but also many small animals and any newspapers laying around. I have had to say goodbye to a family of chipmunks more than once. I bury them with little hand-carved gravestones to give them as much dignity as I can.
At some point I gave up and decided to just use my lawnmower as a car for running small errands. I had my mechanic remove the blades and I personally installed a horn using a bicycle bell. The mileage isn’t very good at all.
I do get a lot of looks though. It may be because of what happened to my hair recently, or it may be the cool flames I painted onto my lawnmower. Or I may be paranoid and there may be something behind me people are looking at. I do that sometimes – I make things all about me when really they’re not. I think Kenny West does that too. I bet we’d get along.
I haven’t even gotten to the worst part about my lawnmower yet. It doesn’t fit in my tool shed. It almost does, but doesn’t. Part of the reason I bought the lawnmower was so my nephew would have to move out of my shed. I love him, but it’s time he moved on and this was going to be the perfect excuse.
He’s single by the way, if any young ladies are interested in dating him let me know. He’s not a real go-getter but he does have a kind heart.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a pineapple.
