A DEAD PIGEON
★★★★★ (2 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing a dead pigeon.
Some jokester mailed me a dead pigeon. Or they may have mailed me a live pigeon, but then it passed away along the trip. It would have been quicker and cheaper to have the pigeon fly right to me. No stamps needed. I know the post office is struggling to find ways to stay relevant, but they can’t fight nature.
I’m wasn’t grossed out by the dead pigeon because I already have a rabbit’s foot keychain and you can’t get much more morbid than that while staying within the boundaries of the law.
I’m not a veterinarian but I do have a background in medicine as I spent last summer as a test subject for several medications. None of them were pigeon medications unfortunately, so it’s hard to tell what caused the thing to die.
The real question is: Who sent it? It’s a perfectly good looking pigeon. One of the healthiest looking I’ve seen, actually. Not all deformed and frightening like a lot of the ones that you see. As pigeons go, it’s definitely a keeper.
There is a slim chance the pigeon climbed into the box by itself, just before the box was sealed, and the sender did not notice. That seems like a hard thing not to notice but not impossible. If this is the case, what was that pigeon thinking? (And why was someone mailing me an empty box?) The poor pigeon may have been trying to escape something. Perhaps his owner or perhaps life itself.
I contacted the post office to ask if they could help solve this mystery. They said this wasn’t a USPS matter and I should contact animal control. When I contacted them they said it was a matter for the CDC since the pigeon was likely diseased. The CDC said they only deal with chickens and that’s when I realized I had accidentally called KFC, so I ordered a bucket of wings and buried the pigeon in my backyard.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Alabama.
P.S. Special thanks to my nephew for making MY BRAND NEW WEBSITE! It has all my reviews (including previously unpublished ones), interviews, videos, and more!
