MY CHEST HAIR
★★★★★
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing my chest hair.
Not everyone has chest hair. Most women don’t and even some men don’t. If you ever meet a child with chest hair, it’s probably just an eyelash on your contact lens. I’m one of the lucky ones who does have chest hair.
I say “lucky” because it’s gotten me through a lot of difficult times. Once, when locked in my closet for a few days, I ate my chest hair to stay alive. The doctor later told me it had no nutritional value but I didn’t know that, and the placebo effect kept me going. Now that the doctor told me the truth, I’ll have to find something else to eat if I ever get locked in there again.
There was also a period of time when I made a living selling my chest hair as a stuffing for dollhouse pillows. I paid my rent for months doing that. Then the dollhouse industry changed.
A photo of me went viral last year when I was at the beach and someone took my picture while I was sleeping. My chest hairs had become tangled in a way that appeared to resembled the face of Jesus. My nipples were his eyes. While I appreciated the attention, I worried people of other religions would feel left out so I waxed it all off to prevent it from happening again.
Even though the chest hair adds some warmth in the winter time, I like how smoothly my shirts slide on and off in the absence of hair. It’s a time-saver, too. Maybe not a lot of time but at my age every second counts. That’s why when it comes time to wax my chest hair off I do it with one hand while flipping through the channels with the other. I like to multitask.
I had a date the other night and was worried that if we got to the part where my shirt comes off, she would think I had no chest hair. So I drew some one with a black marker, which looked ridiculous since my chest hair is naturally white. I added a few grey ones with white out. My shirt never came off and all the ink ruined the inside of my shirt.
I’ve considered letting my chest hair grow back out to save money on wax, markers, and white out but I’m just not sure. So I’m going to ease into it and grow it back one hair at a time. I’ll start in the middle and let it expand outward until I decide it either is or isn’t for me.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing the chest hair of whoever sends me a picture of theirs.
