BEDTIME
★★★★★
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing bedtime.
Bedtime is the best time because it means you are about to go to sleep, and sleep is where dreams happen. Some of my favorite memories are dreams. Like the time the Tootsie Pop owl called me on the phone. I wish that had happened in real life. He’s a lot nicer than the commercial makes him seem.
My bedtime routine is time-intensive but with good reason. Some people look like angels when they sleep. I don’t know what I look like when I sleep because I am asleep and can’t see myself and with the lights out it’s too dark for photos, but I try my best to look good. So when bedtime arrives, I groom myself extensively, comb my hair, put on a freshly ironed shirt with my best slacks and try to fall asleep with a smile. If I’m feeling sad, I may use some of my late wife’s old lipstick to paint on a smile.
Of course one of the best things about bedtime is the physical sensation of crawling under the covers of a big, cozy bed. With the exception of the time I found a raccoon under the covers, this has always been a really enjoyable experience.
Not everyone likes bedtime. Kids, for instance. They seem to hate it. Probably because they have no problems or anything they need to run away from. For adults, it’s a time to escape into a new world for several hours.
What is bedtime for many is also burglary time for others. I’ve never been a burglar so I can’t speak from experience, but for them I bet it’s a pretty exciting time. Like being on a game show because you’re about to get a bunch of free stuff. Plus there’s the added thrill of possibly getting caught. I’ll bet most game show contestants escalate to become burglars.
The one improvement I would make to bedtime is to have there be an admission fee. I know this would make it difficult for poor people to sleep, but at least it would make sure people don’t take bedtime for granted.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing cole slaw.
