LAMPS
★★★★★
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing lamps.
Since the beginning of time, light has come from the sky, but at some point someone decided, “Hey, let’s make it come from an object at eye level instead.” What a mistake that was. The lamp was invented. If you’ve never seen a lamp, don’t bother.
Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against artificial light but I don’t want it on my desk or an end table right in my face. Flashlights are okay because you can point them away from you. They also have an element of spookiness to them for added fun. Lamps don’t even have that.
I’ve seen some pretty lamps before, but what’s the point of making such a pretty lamp if you can’t even look at it because it’s blinding you? Lamps should be ugly so their beauty isn’t wasted. Also, if lamps were ugly, people would be more inclined to throw them out, which is fine by me because who wants a lamp anyway?
If this review is speaking to you on some level you had never acknowledged before, it means you’re realizing the truth about lamps, and you don’t like them either. If that’s the case, go right now and smash all the lightbulbs in all your lamps so you won’t be tempted to use them. (Caution: wear protective goggles and gloves for this.) Then spend a week without any lamps and watch your life improve.
If you still like lamps, consider this: Lamps take roughly sixty lives per year by falling into bathtubs. That’s right – lamps kill people. And that’s only bathtub related deaths. I didn’t have time to look up the stats on lamps falling on people’s heads or lamp cords getting wrapped around people’s necks and choking them.
Just stay away from lamps.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Levar Burton.
