MARSHMALLOWS
★★★★★
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing marshmallows.
If clouds were made of soft sugar, and then smushed up into little puffy, stubby cylinders – that’s what a marshmallow would be. But that’s not what a marshmallow is. I’m not entirely sure what a marshmallow is, but I am sure I love them.
That’s why it seemed like a no-brainer to buy several dozen bags, empty them onto my bed and make them my new pillows. They’re incredibly soft and smell like heaven probably smells if God gave it an odor. Marshmallows for pillows is also partly a safety precaution. You know that dream where you are eating a marshmallow but when you wake up it’s your pillow and you’re choking to death? This way it’s still just a marshmallow and you’re having an early breakfast.
They tend to really stick to your head and face when you wake up, which is perfect if you’re a construction worker, bicyclist, or simply someone prone to falling over a lot. They are basically a built-in helmet. Just don’t fall asleep in the park or you will wake up covered in pigeons, squirrels, ants, and children.
Most people only eat marshmallows while camping. They’re almost never served at restaurants – not even as a side dish or dessert. No one knows why this is. I polled several people including the clerk at the supermarket. She probably sees more marshmallows than anyone and she had no insights at all.
There is actually a plant called the marshmallow plant, or Althaea officinalis if you are a loner. Don’t get your hopes up though. Marshmallows don’t grow on them, I checked. You also can’t graft marshmallows onto them. Well you can, but nothing happens. Nature doesn’t care.
Minus one star because once a marshmallow gave me quite a scare when I found a fly in the middle of one.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a pair of headphones.
