SIMON
★★★★★
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Paul Simon.
Paul Simon was one half (or maybe more like two fifths) of the musical duo Simon and Garfunkle. But you probably know Paul Simon better as both halves of Paul Simon—a successful singer/songwriter who is also married to Edie Falco.
Simon’s best known song is one where he requests the listeners refer to him as Al. It’s a strange request and I’m not sure why he would want that. It’s his first name but with the P and U removed. Is he secretly saying “pee you” to his listeners? Why? What is it that smells? I’ll never understand songwriters.
I like Paul Simon a lot because he seems very friendly and nice, and I try to surround myself with nice people. Unfortunately not everyone named Paul Simon is nice. I found several people sharing his name in the phone book and decided to see if any of them wanted to grab lunch. I probably should have called first because showing up unannounced made the first five Pauls very uncomfortable and confused even though I brought sandwiches. The sixth Paul had just eaten.
I don’t imagine the real Paul Simon would respond in this way. He would probably say, “Oh good, you brought sandwiches!” Then he would invite me in and we would eat them while getting to know one another. Admittedly, this may not be who Paul Simon is, but it’s who I want him to be, and since he and I will likely never be friends, why not enjoy the fantasy? I would also want him to be able to fly.
Unfortunately I never got to see Paul Simon perform live and that would be a dream come true. Real Paul Simon, if you’re reading this, please send me a ticket to one of your concerts. I don’t care how far I have to travel as long as you don’t mysteriously check into a hospital because of exhaustion and have to cancel the show.
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GARFUNKLE
★★★★★
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am also reviewing Garfunkle.
Literally nothing is known about Garfunkle. Not even his real name. After he and Simon parted ways, Garfunkle disappeared and hasn’t been seen since. I asked Jim Davis, the artist behind the popular children’s cartoon Garfield, if his work was inspired by Garfunkle. He was suspiciously silent and never replied to my telegram. That was six years ago. Is it possible Jim Davis is actually Garfunkle? Probably not. But maybe!
Garfunkle is known mostly for his big clown hair, which was a popular style at the time. If I ever become a celebrity, I will make sure to cultivate a completely nondescript look. When a celebrity is known for one distinct thing, they are never free to change that thing. Think of the cast of Scooby Doo, Where Are You! Each had a uniform that never changed. Scooby without his dog body could go unnoticed in the busiest of places. And Fred would be unrecognizable today without his ascot. That’s why I never wear my ascot in public.
Garfunkle should have switched things up more often. One day he has clown hair, the next he has cornrows, then another day he wears a hat. Frankly, I got bored with Garfunkle. He wasn’t half the showman that Justin Bieberlake or 
is. Why couldn’t Garfunkle dance a little more or wear something that showed more skin? If he’s still alive I bet he’s regretting that decision.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Tegan and Sara.
