THE SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS
★★★★★
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the San Francisco Giants.
Lately a lot of people have been disappointed by the name The Redskins and I would say I’m chief among them. There’s a certain level of trust that comes with advertising, and when you hear a name like The Redskins, The Pirates, or The Dolphins. It’s reasonable to expect to see people matching the description.
I understand it would be unrealistic to expect to find enough modern pirates who had the skills required to play major league baseball but the least the players could do is dress up as pirates. And what about the Dolphins? Dolphins are very smart and athletic and with enough training could probably play any sport we wanted them too.
Of all these teams, the San Francisco Giants are one of the most disappointing names to me. I know giants don’t exist anymore but do you know what still does? Sitting on the shoulders of someone else.
With one man on the shoulders of another and an extra-large uniform, it would be very easy to replicate the look of a giant. Children have been pulling this trick off for decades. And now that everyone is so good at baseball because of the drugs they take, this would add a new challenge to the game. It would also draw in new viewers interested only in seeing physical abnormalities.
Originally the Giants were called the New York Gothams because they were in New York. I believe they changed their name to try and avoid their past. I’m not sure what tragedy happened to make an entire team move as far away as possible, but it must have been pretty bad.
There are two very distinct players on the Giants. One has a notable beard and the other resembles a panda bear. (At first I thought he might actually be a literal panda bear but his name is just as misleading as Yogi Berra’s.) I suspect these two players would be very opposed to my idea of sitting on shoulders because if everyone on the team appeared to be ten feet tall, no one would stand out anymore.
I’ve collaborated with the White House to create a petition to make the Giants change their name. If it works, then we can tackle the Denver Nuggets.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing pickled herring.
