TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD #258

By

BALLOONS
★★★★★

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing balloons.

One of the best things in the world, as we all know, is a balloon. Man has dreamed for centuries of being able to fly, and yet balloons can do it so effortlessly even though they’re not alive. The Wright brothers would have been very jealous of balloons.

The most famous balloon of all time is the Mickey Mouse balloon which appears in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Even though he is so famous, he spends 364 days out of the year deflated and folded up in a dark warehouse. How sad. I guess that’s how it has to be. If he were to ever escape he could wreak havoc on the city if it was a windy day. A giant Mickey Mouse destroying New York would be a real PR nightmare for Disney.

Being a giant balloon is still better than being a float made out of flowers though, because those things wither and quickly become desiccated and rotten, covered in maggots and being pecked at by birds. It’s a real mess.

We all remember our first balloon. Mine was red. What color was yours? (If you’re color blind, I’m sorry for asking an insensitive question. You can skip to the next sentence.) I lost my first balloon to a squirrel. We didn’t have helium in those days so land predators were a serious threat. I cried and cried when that squirrel ran away with my balloon even though I knew he would probably put it to good use in his nest. I never saw him again. I imagine he couldn’t face me.

I once saw a hot air balloon.

The only bad thing about balloons is the terrifying noise they make when they pop. It sounds like someone is shooting a gun at you. Now when I think I hear gunshots I don’t bother calling the police. It’s probably just a bunch of balloons popping.

Blimps are not balloons. A lot of people think they are but those people don’t know what they’re talking about. Or if they’re not talking and just thinking it to themselves, they don’t know what they’re thinking about.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing invisible ink.


Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →