★★★★★
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing 2014.
I’m not going to review the same old things everyone else is reviewing, like Internet Neutrality, gay marriage, or Matthew McConaughey. My review of the year consists of exclusive items you can only read about here!
MY NEW SHOES
I got a new pair of sneakers in January. I got them muddy and left them on my front porch, but the next day I found someone had thrown them up onto the telephone line. I had to call the telephone company to come get them down and they charged me a lot and said next time be more careful where I leave my shoes.
ARNIE WOLB
A new guy moved into the neighborhood. He’s very quiet and doesn’t speak to anyone. He’s never introduced himself to me or anyone I know, so I had to guess what his name is. My guess is Arnie Wolb. I could be wrong, but I also might be right!
SONY
I guess my TV and radio aren’t safe to use anymore since Sony got broken into by computer hackers. This is a big disappointment because I’ve had my radio for over 20 years. I hope no one computer hacks my refrigerator or garage door opener. I could get trapped in my garage and starve to death.
SPACE
Did you see that planet that exploded? I know you didn’t because no one did. There are too many planets to always be looking at all of them because that’s how big space is. But statistically, I’m sure at least one of the planets out there exploded. I hope there were no aliens living on it. If there were, my heart goes out to them and their families.
MY COMMERCIAL
I spent several thousand dollars on a personal commercial. My sense is that not many people saw it because no one in my neighborhood recognized me from it. The young woman in this commercial is very friendly looking, which I feel reflects who I am as a person. However she has a strange accent that is nothing like how I speak. I have an old man accent but hers is like a strange mix of the deaf accent and Thurston Howell, III from Gilligan’s Island.
MOSQUITO BITES
This year saw almost no mosquito bites on me. I have a few theories as to why.
- My blood pressure is really low, so the mosquitos may not be interested. If I had my choice of drinking from a dribbling hose or a water fountain, I would definitely choose the fountain. Unless it’s the kind people bathe in.
- Maybe mosquitos are evolving and no longer need blood. They could have moved on to pollen like a lot of other insects seem to prefer.
- I did get a lot of flea bites at night and in swampy areas. It could be that those were mosquito bites and I couldn’t tell the difference.
LUCKY ME
I was really lucky this year because I won $200 from a Moneygrab Mega-Millionz scratch ticket. I was so excited that I jumped up and down, but then I slipped and fell and hurt my ankle. It could have been worse, of course. It helped put things in perspective because there were a lot of people this year who weren’t as lucky as me.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Tabitha Soren.
