FUNNY WOMEN #150: A Little More About Customer #7611594





from: Lisa <[email protected]>
to: Emily Weinstein <[email protected]>
subject: Carabiners and Goat Hello


Thanks for your order #7611594 with I look forward to being your go-to contact for anything you need from us at Online Outdoor Retailer. I am here to ensure you are getting the right gear. If you could tell me a little bit more about yourself, then I can better tailor your experience.

Please feel free to get in touch if you need anything at all. In the meantime, check out the photo I attached of a goat family I came across while backpacking in the National Forest!



from: Emily Weinstein <[email protected]>
to: Lisa <[email protected]>
subject: Re: Carabiners and Goat Hello

Wow, Lisa! When I ordered from with my 25% discount code (plus free shipping), I was not expecting to receive a personalized email and photograph of a goat family within an hour of placing my order.

Thank you for your offer to get in touch if I need anything at all. Most immediately, I need the Smartwool Midweight 250 Funnel Zip Top and Smartwool Midweight 250 Pants and eight (8) carabiners delivered with 2-day shipping, not 5–7 day shipping.

But your invitation to communicate with you about my needs has inspired me to take a closer look, to go deep, and to acknowledge and validate the fact that I do have needs, Lisa, needs that may even go beyond some new baselayers.

Since you asked, Lisa, I will share with you that I definitely have some feelings and some questions about the Smartwool Midweight 250 Funnel Zip Top, as I would with any new relationship or endeavor, questions like, “Is this going to work out?” as well as other normal surges of hope and apprehension, expectation and uncertainty.

I have high hopes for this Smartwool Midweight 250 Funnel Zip Top, because it is blue and orange, my favorite color combination, and it has a ‘70s feel, my favorite decade of feeling. If I don’t look hot in this new zip top, I will be unpleasantly surprised and probably spiral into a “am-I-hot-or-not” existential crisis. Let’s discuss these concerns in a future convo, Lisa.

I am hopeful that through my meditation practice, I will be able to weather these and any other upcoming difficult emotions.

Sorry to make it all about me: how are you doing with your psychological self-regulation, Lisa? What are some of your coping strategies?

As for the Smartwool Midweight 250 Pants, I’ll just say that the fuchsia houndstooth pattern is a risk. Generally, I hate pink, but “experimenting more with pattern” was one of my New Year’s resolutions. I am way outside my comfort zone here, Lisa. Your presence and support as I navigate this uncharted territory is like the infinite embrace of the divine feminine at the peak of an ayahuasca journey.

As for your offer to help me make sure I am getting the right gear, this is another question that troubles me hourly. Am I getting the right gear? I will only know the answer when I fall with my climbing rope clipped through one of my eight (8) new carabiners, Lisa, and see if I live or die.

But will I ever truly know the answer? What I hear you saying is that you do know the answer. That is very consoling to me, Lisa.

A little bit more about me, per your request, so you can better tailor my Online Outdoor Retail experience: I am a Virgo, cusp of Libra, Leo rising, moon in Cancer. Because of this astrology, I am not supposed to perform vigorous exercise alone—only “exercise moderately in groups.”

I am currently single, but I would like to mate monogamously with someone special who is also ready to mate monogamously. Do you know anyone, Lisa? I like men who like women and doing things. I do not like men who even moderately dislike women, and who don’t like doing things. I do not like yogurt, either.

I am afraid of cartoons and dragons, but I loved the new Star Wars. What did you think of The Force Awakens, Lisa? Don’t tell me if you didn’t like it.

Is there anything else you would like to know?

When can we go backpacking together and take selfies with the goat family? Please let me know some times that work for you. I am open, as far as my schedule, and also my willingness to be as emotionally honest and present with you as you have been with me, in a way that will result in my getting the right gear.

Customer #7611594


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Emily Meg Weinstein tweets at @emilymweinstein, blogs at, and writes essays everywhere. She lives on a houseboat in the San Francisco Bay and travels in her second home, SubyRuby the Devastation Wagon. More from this author →