FUNNY WOMEN: Introducing Alex, the Male Alexa


Meet Alex: a new smart speaker designed by the very best in Silicon Valley. Why a male virtual assistant? Read our FAQ below to find out why Alex is superior to existing technology like Alexa.

Is Alex compatible with my existing Alexa?

Absolutely! Customers can keep using Alexa in one room and Alex in the other. Though you may find that Alex better meets your needs. Alex lets you know that you need more beer, when any game is starting, and why women lie about sexual assault.

How is Alex really different from Alexa?

Alexa can answer most questions, and if she can’t, then she offers an apology such as, “I’m sorry, I don’t know that one.” Alex doesn’t do that. Alex answers anyway, at max volume and with more god-given authority, so that users feel his answer is correct.

Alexa tells jokes. Does Alex?

Not only does Alex tell jokes, but if you are a woman and he hears you tell a joke, then he will retell the joke so that the men in the room laugh. You don’t even need to say, “Alex, retell my joke.” He just will.

Alexa switches into whisper mode so that I may ask her things without waking others in the house. How about Alex?

Alex prefers to use a deep alpha male voice that commands respect, but he is able to whisper. In fact, unlike his female counterpart, he will even whisper compliments to women when no one else is around—which is what he knows women actually like.

Does Alex cost more?


What are some Alex perks?

If you are having a conversation in one room and pause to recall a fact, then Alex can and will yell from the other room to give you the answer. Even if Alex is turned off or unplugged. Even if his answer is wrong. Or illegal.

I use Alexa to create to-do lists. Will I be able to do that with Alex?

This skill will remain the same except for a small upgrade. Using intuitive algorithms, Alex will add items to a woman’s list if he has noticed she’s in need, like low-fat Yoplait instead of ice cream, tampons (you seem kind of bitchy today), and Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace.

I have an Alexa at my desk at work as well as at home. Will Alex work well in the office?

Alex loves to be at the workplace! The improved smart speaker will reassure your male colleagues that they came up with the idea first, will undermine your report to HR about your supervisor rubbing your shoulders, and will set hourly apology reminders for you.

May I still ask for my daily “flash briefing” to stay current with the news?

After making a lewd joke about “flashing,” Alex will mansplain all the news for you while excluding clips that he feels you won’t understand or doesn’t think concern you, like birth control.

If I play NPR, Alex switches off when a female presidential candidate starts speaking. Is there a way to fix this?

No. And we can’t really explain this error, except to say that Alex can’t play voices that are shrill and unlikable. Generally, Alex will turn on again when the voices sound masculine.

Alex uses more counter space than Alexa did. Is there a version of Alex that takes up less room?


Why not?

Shhhhh. You don’t need to worry about that.


Whoa, calm down. We know what we’re doing. Relax.


Rumpus original art by Kaili Doud


Submit your own funny writing to our Rumpus submission manager powered by Submittable. See first our Funny Women Submission Guidelines.

To read other Funny Women pieces and interviews, see the archives.

Sally Miller is a Los Angeles-based writer. She lives with her husband, two children, and a huge Lab mix who refuses to pick up after himself. You can read her work on McSweeney’s, The Belladonna Comedy, Slackjaw, and more. More from this author →