FUNNY WOMEN: Bumble Profiles of Literature’s Famous Ladies


Name: Jo March

About: I’m on Bumble because I’m into women taking charge. I’m looking less for a boyfriend than a companion who will read quietly in the corner while I write my next novel and wait until instructed to read my drafts and laugh at the spots I flag with a sticky note. I also enjoy arguing and going to the theater to make fun of the women who take it so seriously! I want a gentleman who’s serious but maybe not so serious that he wants to get married right away.


Name: Lady Macbeth

About: Recently divorced and really over guys who need to “think things over” before doing what I tell them to do. I’m really into stain-removers and astrology. Maybe a tarot reading next to a laundromat can be our first date?


Name: Franny Glass

About: Currently a college student but considering dropping out because it’s a joke and my ex-boyfriend (who is a total phony and egomaniac) goes there. I’m tired of wasting so much time (I’m in my early twenties already!) and I’m ready to finally figure out what this whole love thing is about. If your idea of a good time is talking about religious philosophy and contemplating the purpose of humanity, then we might make a good match. Or maybe this whole Bumble thing is a joke, too…


Name: Emma Woodhouse

About: Okay, this isn’t actually for me. I don’t “do” the online dating thing (no offense). This is actually for my friend, Harriet. Yes, that’s a picture of me, but just imagine someone like me who’s not quite as beautiful, clever, or elegant (but still nice and pretty and more than you deserve). Anyway, Harriet likes posing for me while I paint, laughing at my jokes, and running my errands. She would make an excellent wife to any man with a high social standing, a thick wallet, and plenty of wall space to hang my paintings. Hartfield locals only (extended travel dries out my skin).


Name: Daisy Buchanan

About: After years of drama, I’m looking to settle down in waterfront real estate with a dock for standing at night to contemplate life’s little miseries. This isn’t to say I’m all about money! But I do feel most myself in silk. I’m here looking for literal fun, so if you like to party until dawn and lounge on the couch all day debating who’s the most stressed, then I’m waiting for you. I don’t want much in a man—just someone self-made who will do whatever it takes to be with me. I love a good joke, so long as it’s not a tasteless meme about first-world problems. They’re awfully upsetting.


Name: Lily Bart

About: Are you wealthy? If so, heyyy.


Name: Calypso

About: In desperate need of a guy who won’t leave me after seven years of total bliss like my last boyfriend. It’s okay if you’re not completely into me at first; I’m the type you learn to love, especially once you’re stuck with me for a while. Kidding, of course! Also, I’m completely sane.


Name: Elizabeth Bennet

About: As much as I love my independence, it is a universally acknowledged truth that being single sucks. I still live at home with my parents and sisters because my dad is crap at budgeting, so I’m looking for something serious. My mom says I’m crazy for writing this, but she also says I’d be crazy not to. I like banter, books, and brisk walks through the mud. I’m also into mind games and messaging over meeting, and I’m a feminist who likes her men bossy.


Name: Hester Prynne

About: Newly single. Swipe right only if you’re a single man who is unmarried and unattached in every definition of the word. No drama. Something casual is fine.


Rumpus original art by Kaili Doud.


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Melissa Darcey is a writer and high school English teacher in San Diego, California. Her work has appeared in Aquifer, The Louisville Review, The Rumpus, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Nat. Brut, Columbia Journal, and elsewhere. More from this author →