FUNNY WOMEN: Math Problems for Women


Holly has worked for Company X for four years. Peter has worked for Company X for ten years and identifies as a feminist.

If Peter was drunk at an after-work function and pointed out his erection, then solve for men.


In Holly’s middle school, skirts were required to be a certain length. The science teacher Mr. Jones determined if skirts adhered to the rule by making girls stand in front of the class so he could eyeball them.

If Holly was twelve in middle school, then at what age did Holly internalize misogyny?


Holly is now thirty-one, and her bra strap is inadvertently showing at the office.

Using the logic Holly learned in middle school, how much revenue does each male employee lose every hour he’s distracted by Holly’s slutty beige bra?


Holly’s bus arrives at 7:51 a.m. A man is nearer to the bus door than Holly but gestures for her to board first.

How many times does Holly tell him to “go ahead” before she gives up and just boards?


If Holly has to ride the bus for twenty minutes with the man in the previous question, how likely is it that Holly marries him?


If Holly follows the example of Arya Stark from Game of Thrones, what are the odds that Holly asks the man on the bus to go out with her as part of the following plan:

  • The man falls for Holly
  • Holly educates him on intersectional feminism
  • Holly breaks up with him once the education has stuck
  • Holly repeats this cycle with other men until she’s too old to date at thirty-six
  • Holly gets Botox to buy herself one more dating year
  • Heterosexual men are dateable again
  • Holly has a good laugh but only once a month because laughing causes wrinkles


Holly is dating for the first time in years after raising two children with her ex, a proud bus feminist. Holly considers vaginal rejuvenation.

If the perfect vagina is X, and X is looser than a condom but tighter than a cavern, then how can you solve for X without using a procedure with a FDA warning?


In 1931, seventeen-year-old girl Jackie Mitchell struck out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig in succession in an exhibition baseball game. In 1975, another Jackie—Jackie Tonawanda—became the first woman to fight in Madison Square Garden, where she knocked out Larry Rodania in the second round.

If the 2018 Forbes list of the world’s highest paid athletes contains one hundred men and zero women, how many hopes/dreams does Holly’s daughter retain after Holly explains the gender pay gap?


One in five women will be raped in her lifetime. One in three women will experience some form of sexual violence. Native women are three and a half times more likely to be sexually assaulted than other races in the United States. Almost fifty percent of transgender people are sexually assaulted during their lives. These numbers don’t say anything about the likelihood of being sexually assaulted more than once.

If Holly invites five women over, what is the ratio of “fear” to “coven formation”?


Rumpus original art by Kaili Doud.


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Holly Amos is a humor writer and poet in Chicago, as well as the associate editor of Poetry. Her first poetry collection is Continual Guidance of Air. Her poems and humor have appeared at The Academy of American Poets, jubilat, Prairie Schooner, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and Tenderly, among other places. More from this author →