Star Champions

Alexandria and Simone were in a two-day argument when their scheduled double date arrived. Simone had a bad dream where they were kidnapped by government operatives for being radical and were about to be tortured and martyred. Simone managed to wrestle a gun away and instead of shooting the operatives she shot Alexandria, reasoning survival was unlikely either way. That was the more humane, simplified option. In the dream, Simone managed to escape miraculously unharmed. In real life, Alexandria was livid.  

Hibachi Fiyah won best local eatery this year, so that’s where Simone and Alexandria decided to have the double date. Somewhere in this stage of their relationship they realized they did not have any friends, so began actively pursuing other couples to hang out with. Disastrous results followed. They attempted hiking with a pair of closeted swingers who kept bringing up personal lubrication routines. Then there was Jaqueline and Jackie who referred to themselves as the Jacks but did not realize that reference had unfortunately become their entire shared personality. There was also the couple who just moved into town from Phoenix and loved word games, they stored them in suitcases and could play for hours. Simone and Alexandria had fun with them but were ghosted after one night. On this date night, they approached the food truck den, a barren piece of land some genius bought for scraps and turned into the most popular dining spot in the city by filling it with every local food truck two nights a week. The best meals in town were collected in one spot, halved in cost and sprinkled with a dozen generator fumes for flavor.  

Like most faculty, Alexandria dressed as though she were going for a light jog from the waist down and interviewing for a job at JC Penny from the waist up. The aesthetic came together because of her thin forearms and bad posture, which suggests an atrophied core due to scholarship: the peculiar markers of intellectual achievement. Simone, however, always did her sit-ups, stood upright with perfect poise because excessive eye contact and a strong spine had an intimidating effect in a courtroom. Alexandria also had an unshakable need to know the plot and ending of any movie before watching to reduce anxiety and bathroom breaks while Simone could walk into any environment without preparation ready to be entertained or to declare war. With research and analysis, Alexandria could predict the ends of things, the ends of movies, of conversations, of national emergencies, of court decisions with efficiency and a great deal of accuracy. Alexandria could not accept her own demise as a righteous conclusion for the calculations of Simone’s brain/heart. Did that mean Simone could live without Alexandria but not vice versa. The thought of being utterly dependent on another for basic survival reduced Alexandria to a parasite/barnacle/blood sponge leech. 

Determined to be worthy of life without Simone, she predicted the end of them as a couple. She saw the complicated house sale, the favorite clothes too saturated in good memories to wear anymore, absent friends there was no chaos, just silence. That unfulfilled vision made Alexandria stone furious at Simone, a fury that lasted for days. Simone had no language to argue, was not built for cycles of apologies and/or forgiveness so resolved to match the cold hard bitterness for dignity’s sake. 

I thought we decided not to hang out with people named Dave.

No, Dave is on the good list. Devons are the shits.

Oh. Are you sure? Dave is a biologist though.

I’ll check the spreadsheet later.

Simone and Alexandria performed coupleness: squeezed hands and smiled without looking at each other when a tall teen bumped into Simone while running to his friends gathered near Dees doNuts. Simone pulled Alexandria closer, creating a barrier between them and the rest of the careless bodies ahead. 

It’s fine, Alexandria said. They’re having fun.

Don’t do that.

Alexandria stayed quiet. Their hands separated as the mood crimped back into its silent shriek. Alexandria felt generally misunderstood in the entire moment, a familiar feeling, comforting if it didn’t nag at her whole skin like a stocking made of wool and disappointment. She was still determined not to sink into the despair of loneliness prematurely. They were there as predators in a way, if a couple seeking friends to distract them from their own thoughts and the limitations therein could be considered predators. That idea did the trick at least to spur Alexandria’s feet forward in a slight burst of confidence. She might still have emotional teeth and claws for the evening.

Hey you two!

Dave from the biology department spoke between them and Alexandria wasn’t sure how long he’d been nearby. She predicted Simone’s merciless assessment of political alignments, Dave’s nonchalance masking an existential terror and his date’s general compliance.

Simone, this is Dave from the biology department.

Dave waved enthusiastically, big hands and round shoulders on a thin body. Alexandria imagined him made of rubber while someone pumped air in him but the inflating process was somewhere near two thirds complete. His asymmetrical frame made his height less alarming.

This is Isabella Fernanda, Dave said, gesturing to a tall woman with a brown bob.

She had a distinct terrifying kind of beauty that made Alexandria point her whole torso toward the woman. This sudden attraction occurred against Alexandria’s will. With such a long smooth neck and a pronounced clavicle like handle bars, Alexandria imagined Isabella Fernanda transforming into a large mechanical demon prepared to take her soul in exchange for an impossible promise. Alexandria hated herself for knowing she would surrender her soul and bank account to this stranger.

Hi Isabella, Alexandria said mimicking Dave’s ebullient and goofy energy.

Isabella Fernanda, the woman replied.

Isabella?

Isabella Fernanda.

Oh, she wants the whole thing, Simone said with a smile.

Always, Dave said with a grin.

Isabella Fernanda did not smile and neither did Alexandria. The quartet opted to abandon the hibachi option altogether once confronted with the extraordinary price written in colorful chalk. A less pretentious taco truck manifested in the shadow of their collective rejection of Hibachi Fiyah. The group wandered near while Alexandria made the first and eventually only choice at that location. She was all the way done with the evening before she put her order in at the window surrounded in painted flames and red chili peppers. The hell imagery, not lost on her, became almost soothing at that point. At least she knew where she was. Tiny sombreros floated on fishing line around the salsa bar. Even though the truck stood further into the lot, the four of them could still see each other as they waited for their orders though too far to hear the conversations.

Once her order number was screamed over her head, Alexandria grabbed the Styrofoam plate, opened and closed the tortilla flap of her quesadilla with suspicion as Dave leaned over.

You’re supposed to be having fun, he said with that same grin holding a hard seltzer.

I’m aware.

She didn’t grin back.

How’s your writing going? Dave asked. He seemed genuinely curious.

You’re a writer, Isabella Fernanda declared with surprise. I thought you were an administration person.

She’s a marine biologist, Dave whispered theatrically.

Isabella Fernanda’s mood changed, the subtle disgust with Alexandria that gave Alexandria the unbearable urge to please her in a way she fought against by staying as silent as possible had eased slightly. Instead, Isabella Fernanda looked curious.

She’s doing some cool stuff in the world, Dave continued. Isabella Fernanda loves writers.

Simone laughed.

You mean the online self-publishing? Simone asked. That’s not the same thing as being a writer.

It’s just fanfiction, Alexandria said.

You have like a hundred thousand followers right? Dave continued. I have like twenty and they’re all students and they only stick around because of graduation requirements.

Dave laughed to himself. Alexandria closed her eyes and bit her quesadilla with a violence that made Dave lean back, a bit concerned.

She doesn’t have that many, Simone said. The characters aren’t original.

Simone diminished the flame of curiosity in Isabella Fernanda to a quiet ember. Alexandria was actually relieved. The sticky food in her mouth had already indicated she wouldn’t be speaking further on the subject anytime soon and tilted her body away from the small circle the four of them had made. Simone was good at a lot of things: asking intelligent questions, leather care and home-done pedicures. She asked Isabella Fernanda about her accent, learned a lot about Cassis, France and the proper way to cook a scallop.

Did you do this art too? Dave asked, taking Alexandria’s attention from the conversation between Simone and Isabella Fernanda and holding his phone out to her.

Oh god, Alexandria giggled and cast a bit of cheese spittle onto Dave’s phone. I’m so sorry.

Dave laughed even more and wiped the screen on the back of his pants.

That was one of my patrons who made that image. I think it’s watercolors. That’s a really old fic.

What show is it?

It’s a reboot.

Dave’s eyebrows furrowed, not understanding.

Why are you doing this to me, Dave?

He nodded for encouragement. 

Ok fine, the show is Star Champions. The original started as a manga then a tv series in Japan. The main crew was a trio of high school girls who hated each other: the nerd, the jock and the princess. They were all recruited to travel through time to resurrect ancient demons to fight an alien invasion. It was actually a lesson in history and global mythology.

And then they fall in loveeee, he sang.

Yup, well you know it gets complicated. The American reboot came out ten years ago and was a fucking masterpiece. Better than the original and the daughter of the creator even gave her blessing. It only got two seasons though when another company bought it up. Fans thought the new company was going to renew, but they just shelved the whole franchise.

I bet the fans sent bomb threats.

Threats? It was the crisis of my youth! Aside from being the only lesbian in my family of five siblings, closeted, and generally waterboarded daily with low expectations.

That was a lot of information for 8:17pm on a Friday night next to the Hot Wet Weiner chili dog truck. Simone and Isabella Fernanda had been drifting  further and further away in their own conversation. Alexandria glanced at Dave in preparation for him to vanish from personal data overload, but he was still solid, still had the universal expression of I’m-listening-but-if-you-pop-from-stress-I-can’t-put-you-back-together.

You’re looking at me like my emotional tit just fell out of my shirt of despair.

Dave choked and laugh-snorted simultaneously.

It’s not your boob … of feelings. I’m just curious.

We had online forums and petitions, Alexandria continued. It was serious. So, I started finishing the series online.

Damn. Are you monetized?

Some platforms generate more than others. The older works are still the biggest hit I guess, especially the alternate universe stuff; Star Champions in the zombie apocalypse;. Star Champions SVU; Star Champions formula 1 racers; Star Champions necromancers of Saturn (my personal fav); Star Champions Star Trek crossover; That one was a tougher sell than I thought it would be.

Damn.

Shut up.

Alexandria stuffed the rest of her quesadilla into her mouth and balled up the foil wrapper. She aimed it at a trash can, threw it and missed spectacularly. When she picked up the trash to throw it away, she missed again.

Oh my god. My fucking destiny.

Alexandria laughed for the first time that day. Dave didn’t. The young man with poor spatial cognition who bumped into Simone earlier was in the middle of catching a frisbee nearby. The frisbee took a sharp curve downward and skidded to a stop against Simone’s shoes, the gravel and dust of the parking lot brushed over the white sneakers.

Oh shit, said Alexandria.

What?

Dave stood in front of Alexandria then reluctantly turned away to see what she was seeing. Simone put her once pristine sneaker on top of the frisbee just as the hairy young man reached down to pick it up. Then she proceeded to lecture the young man on a variety of social norms, the specifics of which Alexandria was only guessing since they were a little too far away to hear clearly.

Have you ever been chased by a dog? Alexandria asked, not letting her eyes leave Simone, her heart jumping as if she’d been chasing a frisbee instead of standing practically still and digesting a lot of cheese too rapidly.

Does a chihuahua named Sir Barkelfink count?

No. I mean a dog dog like an 80 pound testosterone enabled hungry motherfucking dog.

Ohhhhh. Nope.

My elderly neighbor Mrs. Azarian goes on walks at sunset every day it’s not raining. You can set a clock to it. One day, she’s heading out while Simone and I are driving home. Mrs. Azarian is already way down the street when this dog turns the corner and sees her. It’s barking and darting around, being an asshole., Mrs. Azarian is super skinny like she has eaten a bowl of chicken broth with a boiled egg then walked two hours a day for seventy-seven years and nothing else.. Now when the dog takes a step, Mrs. Azarian stomps her foot like she’s trying to scare off a bear. She’s got the right idea, but it’s not a good situation. That dog was not having it, and took a run and swipe at her.

Oh no. A swipe?

He did a bite action, you know, bite-and-run but didn’t get her really, just snagged her pant leg like he was playing with her but not in a nice way.

Like an orca.

Yes, like a goddamn orca throwing a seal in the air before eating it. I was already crying because I’m a weepy sack of tears by nature, but Simone pulled over and got out of the car to pop the trunk. She’s yelling, trying to get the dog’s attention, when it takes a leap at Mrs. Azarian. Mrs. Azarian goes down like a pro on her back in the grass, arms across her face and head and gets ready to curl up and wait it out as best she can. Simone gets this mini bat we got as a souvenir from a game. It’s aluminum but tiny as shit. She starts banging on the sidewalk, screaming and approaching that hell dog while he’s biting Mrs. Azarian’s clothes and trying to drag her little body. The dog has a collar, so when Simone finally gets close enough she swipes it in the nuts with the bat, grabs his collar then sits on him like he’s a miniature pony at the goddamn fair while jabbing the bat around his anus until he finally lets Mrs. Azarian go. Then the owner shows up from around the corner and screams “Get off my dog!” I’m bawling, my heart is done. Simone, however, fucking loses it. She’s squatting on the dog who is kinda whimpering and choking then she yells, “Get control of your fucking animal you fucking asshole!” I’m still crying , trying to wipe my face and be a grown up before stepping out of the car like the bruised fruit I truly am. They’re going back and forth then she yells the magic word and he gets quiet. And watching that, my tears just stopped, like a faucet turned off. I got this clarity you know. This lightness, you know.

Dave looked a variety of emotions while giving his whole face a wipe for peace or to maybe erase the story that had just been told to him from his head.

You’re, you’re not a coward, Alexandria, and way too hard on yourself. I think Simone was glad you didn’t come out and complicate the situation further.

Oh, now I’m a complication and a coward! She smiled to soften the blow, eyes still on Simone.

What was the magic word?

Alexandria finally turns away from Simone and looks up at Dave to say,

Lawsuit.

Dave laughed.

Quiet as a baby chick in a box.

Simone and Isabella Fernanda began moving back toward them. Perhaps it was a time to strengthen their numbers in case of an attack. Simone didn’t have to injure the young man with the frisbee via tiny aluminum bat. The attack never came. Whatever factions were formed inside the food truck arena dissolved in peaceful waves. Isabella Fernanda expressed general and justified displeasure at the food except for the deserts, which were more sugar than she’d consumed in the year. That didn’t stop her from finishing a donut mini apple pie stacked ice cream sundae.

I’m adding Dave to the list.

Alexandria laughed for the second time as the two of them settled into their car for the ride home.

He’s in love with you. It’s ridiculous.

Ridiculous?

Ridiculously obvious. Why are they like that?

Daves?

Yes, all the fucking Daves with their big dongs and big feet with all the beautiful straight women in the world to try, but they want the one lesbian in the whole parking lot.  

Big ol’ dongs.

And the sideburns!

Yes, the sideburns.

And all the pockets on their jackets and endless words words words.

Mmm the words for sure.

Simone didn’t tell jokes like a regular human, so there they were, not laughing like regular humans but fine enough. That night while Simone performed her elaborate but effective skin care routine, Alexandria typed away in bed, her face unwashed and a little itchy.

What are you working on?

Don’t worry. It’s not real writing.

I’m sorry! You know what I meant. I’m an asshole or something. It’s genetic.

It’s a choice.

Your choice. Is it more Star Glitter Lesbians in Space?

That worked on Alexandria. She smiled a little.

The one where they were firefighters on Mercury was pretty good.

You did not fucking read that, Alexandria said a little embarrassed, exposed and flattered.

Oh, I didn’t? The best part was when one of them had to use her cosmic squirt power to extinguish a …

Alexandria hit Simone in the face with a pillow before she could finish that statement. Simone let the pillow fall without catching it and smiled at the multi-leveled victory achieved before moving silently across the room. Alexandria closed her laptop while Simone sat on her side of the bed and moisturized her feet generously.

Do you remember when you rescued Mrs. Azarian off the street?

When she fell off the curb into the giant shrub and couldn’t straighten up?

Ahh no, not that.

Really, the bush swallowed her like a cartoon. I could barely keep a straight face. Then her little hands were so frail I was afraid to squeeze too hard, but she was weirdly strong and nearly pulled me in with her.

Oh my goodness, no, but wow that woman has bad luck on this street. I meant the time with the poor jerk dog.

Oh, oh yeah that guy. People like that should never own animals.

Shhhh shhh. Just say what you said to him. Alexandria snuggled behind Simone.

I’m going to sue your ass?

Mmmm.

Alexandria snuggled deeper. She liked being behind a shield of violence. Simone threw her head back and laughed in a peculiar ecstasy.  That night they wanted to be alone and had no need for another set of voices, ambitions, histories and fantasies of dragging the dead back to a life not meant to be. They were alone and the conversation would dwindle to almost nothing in a few seconds though not in the painful way that happened in the mornings or over dinner when they stared at individual devices instead of asking each other questions about their days, their dreams or desires post-respectable careers. Who are you after the degree? Who are you after marriage? Who are you after the question of children has been answered? What creeps into the muscles and draws bodies together with easy, uncomplicated yearning? At any time, they could choose to put their union in the grave or give it life again. Alexandria predicted a new end for them, a new vision to drown the old.  They would both get arthritis in their knees and live in a senior neighborhood full of sexually active octogenarians who take a bus to bingo on Sunday mornings. They would have the peace of medicinal routines and friendships so pure they only dissolve in last breaths.