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Rumpus Book ClubFunny Women Submission Guidelines
Dear Writers,
So, you’ve decided you’re a woman and would like to submit something funny to Funny Women, the Rumpus column that will alter the landscape of comedy, enhance cup size, and cure frigidity. Out of all the decisions in the world, this is the best one you can make.
Send all entries to funnywomen@therumpus.net.
Deadline:
Rolling/infinity. Never stop writing. This is a column, not a contest (contests end), so please submit often.
Length:
Please keep in mind this is the Internet; so make it short, sweetheart. By “Internet” and “short,” I mean the ideal piece is between 500 and 1,000 words.
Content:
What you submit doesn’t need to be true/factual/personally ruinous. It has to be funny. Also, just because you are a woman and I am asking for funny women, does not mean that you need to write an ironic women’s issues piece. I encourage you not to follow the familiar scripts. We’re starting a revolution after all, so that means change.
Cover letters:
Not necessary, but why not tell me a little about yourself and throw some compliments my way? I’m in this for more than the submissions; I’m aim to create a community of women writers, and doing so means getting to know each other.
Attachments:
I feel about Word documents as I feel about relationships with sketchy men: no attachments, please. Paste your entire piece into the e-mail message.
Formatting:
Please don’t do any tricked-out formatting with fonts that look like handwriting or tell me something about your personality. Keep it simple and readable.
To include in your e-mail:
Title of submission, your name, e-mail address, Web site (if you have one), and favorite book written by a woman.
Each submission should look like this:
“How to Break Up with That Fucktaco in One Week or Less”
By Elissa Bassist
funnywomen@therumpus.net
www.elissabassist.com
The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath (no, wait, no: Anagrams, by Lorrie Moore)
Subject line of your e-mail:
Any variation on “Funny Women” is best. I worry that subject lines containing the title of the piece (if you are a dirty bird) may end up in a spam folder. An example of this might be: “My Humiliating Sexual Experience.”
Author bios:
Please, please! I want you to be famous and appreciated and extolled; I really do.
Previously published work:
I think this is illegal. I prefer original pieces over archived blog entries.
Payment:
The compensation is extravagant: pride in knowing you contributed to the diverse canon of women’s writing + changing the world’s mind about who’s funny. Your heart will swell with accomplishment and all cellulite: gone. (NB: My mission is to one day pay writers. Most of us have accepted that we’re never going to get paid for what we do, while what we do is valuable work. Fuck you, Internet.)
Response time:
I’ll have anxiety dreams if I don’t get back to you soon. But please understand this project takes due diligence. The response time will vary between two minutes and two months. Forgive me. Have patience with me. Rome (run by women) won’t be built in a day.
Reasons you might not hear back:
None. I’m not a bitch. If you don’t hear back after three-four months, then I didn’t get your e-mail. Send it again, please. (I’m embarrassingly behind on reading submissions because life got in the way. Don’t take it personally–as I have done.)
Some reasons I might not choose your piece to appear on Funny Women:
You write a poem. I don’t feel I can adequately judge poetry.
You send me a list. These are funny, I agree, but it’s just not the right time.
You send me an illustration/comic/piece under 10 words.
You use irony in the wrong way.
You begin a piece: “This is not a love story.”
Alternatively, you begin a piece: “This is a love story.”
You have ten or more grammar mistakes.
You are overly graphic and inappropriate. Talking about vaginas is cool, but there is a line, you know? Use your judgement.
You are overtly sexist. (I know, I know, but taking down men to uplift women is the wrong way to go about things.)
You think you are saying something feminist, but you’re really saying something racist.
You don’t adhere to what I’ve said above.
Maybe I am a bitch.
Your submission is not a humor submission.
You don’t believe in yourself and your dreams.
Please direct any additional questions/snide remarks/plans for revolution to: funnywomen@therumpus.net.
Please visit www.elissabassist.com if you’re interested in what I look like.
August 20th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
OH! You can’t judge poetry,
lamentations woe is me
“cos most of my funny stuff is verse
you think this is bad – it’s often worse!
It seems my thoughts are often lateral
.
and come out as doggerel
and sometimes catteral.
But no one no where wants poetry
except 100,000 readers who visited me
September 1st, 2009 at 6:30 am
No lists???? Oh, darn. And this is the funniest list I’ve ever written….
June 16th, 2010 at 9:59 pm
Thanks for making this opportunity.
June 30th, 2010 at 3:46 pm
alright. You’re asking for it. Thank you!
July 22nd, 2010 at 10:45 am
Awesome. Okay, I’ll work on something to submit.
(I think I’m funny, I think I’m funny, I think I’m funny.)
Thanks for the opportunity, and you are a lovely person.