Dear Writers,

So, you’ve decided you’re a woman and would like to submit something funny to Funny Women, the new Rumpus column that will alter the landscape of comedy, enhance cup size, and make you a better lover. Excellent. Out of all the decisions in the world, this is the best one you can make.

See below for submission guidelines.

Send all entries to funnywomen@therumpus.net.

Deadline:
Rolling/infinity. Never stop writing. This is a column, not a contest (contests end), so please submit often.

Length:
Please keep in mind this is the Internet, so make it short, sweetheart. By “Internet” and “short,” I mean the ideal piece is between 500 and 1,000 words.

Content:

What you submit doesn’t need to be true/factual/personally ruinous. It just has to be funny. Also, just because you are a woman and I am asking for funny women, does not mean that you need to write an ironic women’s issues piece. I encourage you not to follow the familiar scripts. We’re starting a revolution after all, so that means change.

Cover letters:
Not necessary, but why not tell me a little about yourself and throw some compliments my way? I’m in this for more than the submissions; I’m in this to create a community of women writers, and doing so means getting to know each other.

Attachments:
I feel about Word documents as I feel about relationships with sketchy men: no attachments, please. Paste your entire piece into the e-mail message.

Formatting:
Please don’t do any tricked-out formatting with fonts that look like handwriting. Keep it simple and readable.

To include in your e-mail:
Title of submission, your name, e-mail address, Web site (if you have one), and favorite book written by a woman.

Each submission should look like this:

“How to Break Up with That Fucktaco in One Week or Less”
By Elissa Bassist
funnywomen@therumpus.net
TheRumpus.net
The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath (no, wait, no: Anagrams, by Lorrie Moore)

Subject line of your e-mail:
Any variation on “Funny Women” is best. I worry that subject lines containing the title of the piece (if you are a dirty bird) may end up in a spam folder. An example of this might be: “My Clitoris, Breasts, and Uterus All Walk into a Bar…”

Author bios:
Please, please! I want you to be famous and appreciated and extolled; I really do.

Previously published work:
I think this is illegal.

Payment:
Like I said, the compensation is extravagant: pride in knowing you contributed to the diverse canon of women’s writing + changing the world’s mind about who’s funny. Your heart will swell with accomplishment and your breasts will become larger.

Response time:
I’ll have anxiety dreams if I don’t get back to you soon. But please understand this project takes due diligence. The response time will vary between two minutes and two weeks. Forgive me. Have patience with me. Rome (run by women) won’t be built in a day.

Reasons you might not hear back:
None. I’m not a bitch. If you don’t hear back, then I didn’t get your e-mail. Send it again, please.

Some reasons I might not choose your piece to appear on The Rumpus:
-You write a poem. I don’t feel I can adequately judge poetry.
-You send me a list. These are funny, I agree, but it’s just not the right time.
-You send me an illustration/comic/piece with under 10 words.
-You use irony in the wrong way.
-You begin a piece: “This is not a love story.”
-Alternatively, you begin a piece: “This is a love story.”
-You have ten or more grammar mistakes.
-You are overly graphic and inappropriate. Talking about vaginas is cool, but there is a line, you know? Use your judgement.
-You are overtly sexist. (I know, I know, but taking down men to uplift women is the wrong way to go about things.)
-You think you are saying something feminist, but you’re really just saying something racist.
-You don’t adhere to what I’ve said above.
-Your submission is not a humor submission.
-You don’t believe in yourself and your dreams.

Acknowledgments:
These guidelines would not have been possible without the Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Guidelines for Web Submissions, which existed first. I didn’t know about my own guidelines until I looked to the humor Web site I admire most. Also, all art is theft. (See what I did there? I linked to a source to acknowledge them. You should do this too.)

Please direct any additional questions/snide remarks/plans for revolution to: funnywomen@therumpus.net.

I hope to hear from you soon. Yes. You.