John Dies at the End
An expanded on-line novel aimed at the teenage-slacker demo offers one too many penis jokes and pop-culture shout outs.
When the world faces the apocalypse in the form of “bratwurst poltergeists” and a demon-leader named Korrok from an alternate universe, it’s up to David Wong and his friend and video store co-worker, John, to save us. Well, who you gonna call? What started out as an online novel, John Dies at the End is being released to the unassuming public in updated and expanded form—consider this fair warning for the next time you’re surrounded by fire-breathing coyotes at the mall.
David and John start out as a particular kind of early-twentysomething Everymen. They have less-than-glamorous retail jobs, embarrassing cars, and a cache of infantile penis jokes. What distinguishes them from the rest is that, at a party one night, someone gives them a mysterious black, liquid drug that they dub “Soy Sauce.” Instead of killing them, like it does everyone else who takes it, the Soy Sauce gives David and John the power to see, hear, and do battle with Korrok’s army of paranormal followers.
At first, I was taken with the novel’s narrative voice. As Wong relays his story to Arnie Blondestone—who’s doing a cover story for American Lifestyle magazine on the author/narrator and his friend, his plainspoken storytelling was the one realist element I was able to hold on to while so many otherworldly minor characters and plot-twists were happening on the page:
“Let’s say you have an ax. Just a cheap one from Home Depot. On one bitter winter day, you use said ax to behead a man. Don’t worry, the man was already dead. Or maybe you should worry, because you’re the one who shot him… He had been a big, twitchy guy with veiny skin stretched over swollen biceps, a tattoo of a swastika on his tongue. Teeth filed into razor-sharp fangs—you know the type. And you’re chopping off his head because, even with eight bullet holes in him, you’re pretty sure he’s about to spring back to his feet and eat the look of terror right off your face.”
It doesn’t take long before Wong’s sophomoric humor starts to work against him. At the same party where David and John are turned on to Soy Sauce, they play in a band whose set list includes songs like “Gay Superman,” “Camel Holocaust,” and “Stairway to Heaven.” After the “bratwurst poltergeist” scene, the reader anticipates that they’re in for a ride where the craziest of things can and will happen, and it’s easy to forgive a few immature jabs.
But after 372 pages of juvenile humor, not even the narrative voice is enough to save this book. David becomes the butt of quite a few of John’s penis jokes, and the occasional gay joke—and long before the end of the book, there’s one joke too many. Having been exposed to Soy Sauce, David and John are taunted by Korrok in ways that no one else can see or hear. For instance, whenever they hear a song on the radio, they hear a twisted version of the lyrics. Such is the case when they hear R.E.M.’s “Losing My Religion”:
“That’s me in the porno,
That’s me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Tryin’ to beat a tight-assed Jew…”
Come on… really? Just how many bonghits did Wong do before he sat down to write this thing? How old is the author? Moments like these make it difficult to stay focused on the world of the novel, which already asks so much from the reader in terms of suspending disbelief. Limp Bizkit frontman, Fred Durst, even makes an appearance as an apparition, and the lyrics of that band’s song “Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle)” appear in what I assume to be their true form. It’s impossible to tell if Wong is being ironic or paying some kind of tribute—but at that point, I was pretty much done with John Dies at the End.
Crude humor, in and of itself, isn’t necessarily a problem. It’s just that we’ve already seen Clerks and Clerks II, Baseketball, and, for that matter, the Evil Dead trilogy. What’s on the page here has been done before, and done a lot better, despite the novel’s plethora of pop-culture references including awful ‘80s bands like Night Ranger. The story doesn’t generate much momentum, once a few inventive monsters have been dealt with. If you’re outside of the adolescent male demographic, it’s unlikely that you’ll get more than a couple of quiet smiles out of reading this book. But if you should end up with a copy, don’t fret—just give it to the first thirteen-year-old boy you see.
September 29th, 2009 at 2:22 am
It might be less frustrating if you reviewed online novels in their actual milieu.
September 29th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Well, the review is of the hardcover book that Thomas Dunne Books published this week, not the online version. So I guess this *is* its “actual milieu” now.
September 29th, 2009 at 10:23 am
You told it like you saw it.
September 29th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
What’s I find infuriating is that this David Wong guy isn’t even a real writer. He’s just jerk working in an office who decided to start scribbling without anyone’s permission. No MFA, no workshops, nothing. And then, of all things, he puts his “novel” on the Web where it found an audience through word of mouth breather.
In what may be the most unjust outcome in the history of publishing, the mere fact that people enjoyed his book lead to a print publication deal (two, actually) and a movie deal.
We need to look into creating some sort of licensing or credential-awarding program as in other professions. Otherwise, this is just going to keep happening with increasing frequency.
September 30th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
It’s worth mentioning that the novel is not intended as a steady stream of jokes with a filler plot. Rather, it’s meant to be a horror novel that proposes an alternate view of/explanation for the ways things are in the world today. The least this reviewer could have done is reviewed it as an actual novel with literary ambitions. Instead, he sounds like he’s reviewing an article from Mad Magazine. It’s like reviewing Hamlet and blasting it for all the jokes about virginity. It may be true, but how could you get through the whole thing and then decide the penis jokes were the most important part?
“Come on… really? Just how many bonghits did Wong do before he sat down to write this thing?”
Come on. People don’t write sentences like this and expect to be taken seriously. You’re reviewing a book on the Internet. ‘Lulz i bet he wuz hiiigh when he wrote this!!!!11′ isn’t going to make the cut if you mean for your analysis to be taken seriously at all.
October 4th, 2009 at 2:41 am
“What’s I find infuriating is that this David Wong guy isn’t even a real writer. He’s just jerk working in an office who decided to start scribbling without anyone’s permission.”
Yeah, I totally agree. People should be forbidden from creating art or having creative thoughts until they get permission from the government.
October 4th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
People should get that Ethan made a good joke is what people should do.
October 6th, 2009 at 2:25 am
I think you might have fallen into the trap of reviewing the genre instead of reviewing the book. It’s perfectly legitimate to not like slacker comedies, but you aren’t going to tell your reader anything useful by saying “It’s bad because it’s a horror/slacker comedy cross over and I don’t like the slacker comedy element because slacker comedies are puerile.” They already know what genre it is, and they already know whether or not they like that genre. Give them something else to come away with.
Also, you are a terrible person for not liking dick jokes. Terrible.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
You will get a lot of comments complaining about your judgement. Don’t listen to them.
I was a JDatE fan, and I think you made a good point, and you made it better than I could. This book didn’t deserve to get published, not twice at least.
Jason Pargin (the author’s real name) is a lazy writer who hasn’t written anything worthy of mention in the last six years and continues to milk his first and only book with a ferocity that would make George Lucas raise an eyebrow.
Your review was very good, and I’m glad someone is mature enough to say what you did.
October 7th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
You know what JDatE reminded me of most? Shaun of the Dead.
I loved both of those, and not just because I think dick jokes can be hilarious if well played. Both had just the right level of seriousness mixed with joking around.
A few specific points I’d like to address from the review.
The song names: Have you ever listened to truly bad, local death metal bands? Those names are some of the more creative.
Suspension of disbelief: Come on. It’s a book about two people who take a self-aware black sauce in order to see ghosts and hellspawn commanded by a slavemaster from another universe; in other words, it’s a fairly standard horror book.
I will concede that Jack has a point about him just camping on this book for a while, although he is currently working on the sequel to JDatE, or he says he is.
Finally, I’d like to say that I, for one, laughed when I read Ethan’s comment.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Ethan did make good point that Pargin is living the dream. He got his own book published, and well done to him. Many people don’t even get one book published…
Most people don’t re-release the same book four times though.
I think he should have moved on and written a whole new book once the Permuted Press version had been published. This way, he looks like he’s either burned out of ideas, or he can’t be arsed to think of any.
Either way, he’s bilking his fans for money without doing any work, and that’s what pisses me off more than anything.
Nobody of consequence:
You make some good points, but I think the main problem that Kenny had with this is that it just wasn’t his kind of style. JDatE is an aquired taste. If you don’t like the dick jokes and the silliness then the book just falls flat. If you aren’t part of it’s target audience then it just doesn’t have the same effect.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
“I think he should have moved on and written a whole new book once the Permuted Press version had been published. This way, he looks like he’s either burned out of ideas, or he can’t be arsed to think of any.”
The first part of his sequel was already on the website and being updated when the Permuted Press version was published. It is also brilliant.
October 17th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Here’s my late response to Ethan:
Yes, Wong is a new author. He, like most authors, sat there one day and had a story drift through his head. Just because his story did not involve and faun in a scarf or a hobbit and a dragon does not mean it does not deserve to be published. The idea that publishing and a persons right to produce a story should be regulated is moronic.
Disagree with JDatE all you want, but the idea that Wong didn’t deserve to have it published is just stupid. He had enough fans and dedication to the story, even if you’re too blind to see what that story was.
I think he put together a decent modern horror novel. It could use some work, but what authors first work couldn’t use some touching up? When we read JDatE we’re not looking for a story that tugs at our heartstrings and teaches us the deep truth of the human condition. We’re looking to be amused, scared, and entertained by a story that is brand new to us and concepts and ideals that we’ve never seen before. Wong does that just fine.
When you limit yourself to only elitist literature that has specific standards it must live up to, you severely limit yourself. There are way too many good books out there for you to prance around that elitist mantra
October 17th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Oh wait, were you joking? I feel foolish.
October 20th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Gotta ask the reviewer, and I may be branded a troll for this, but … Christian much?
October 20th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
It is the general air intolerance in the review that makes me ask…
November 7th, 2009 at 9:33 am
You must have forgotten being a human instead of an elitist reviewer droid.
I don’t know about you, but I had some pretty wicked nightmares while reading JDatE, and that has to signify an excellent horror book. None of that Goosebumps/Twilight garbage.
So, you sir, can suck it.
As told by a 17 year old girl. (:
December 2nd, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Jack, what I think you don’t realize is, this came from a series of short stories. Fans wanted more, that’s what he gave them. You mention him re-releasing it four times, which yes he did, and no most people don’t do this. But It’s obviously not about money. Even when the Permuted Press version was published, it was STILL hosted online for FREE. Meaning anyone who wanted to read it could and not pay a single penny. Only when St. Martin’s Press decided to publish it did he take it down, and that’s probably only because a big time publisher isn’t dumb enough to sell a product people can get for free. He’s working on the sequel, on top of his job at Cracked. (Oh no, more infantile jokes! How will I ever survive in such a savage world as this?) And the reason it was republished by St. Martin’s is because obviously the book had been out of print with Permuted for a while. When people (i.e. his fans) are willing to pay 200 dollars and more for his book because you can’t get a new copy, doesn’t it seem much nicer to offer it to them at a reasonable price and have much more available to anyone who actually enjoys the book? The point of the matter is, fine, I get it, it’s not your type of book. But don’t poke jabs at the author who has provided fan service out the ass for the people who actually enjoy the book. Let’s see any other author out there publish their book online for years. I bet you’ll be hard-pressed finding one. Not that I’m saying he’s the only one.
January 21st, 2010 at 2:40 pm
Jack, what you REALLY don’t get is that he hasn’t “re-released this book four times.” As in, he has not gone begging to publishers, asking them to publish his awesome book because it totally deserved better than what it got, guys.
Each time, a publisher has approached him and been like, “Wow, your novel is really good and a ton of people read it. Also, the last time it was published, every single copy was snapped up. Can we publish it again?”
I mean, all I can think of is that you thought that Pargim should have turned them down so as to keep you happy. I mean, these people all but shoved a large bundle of money in his lap. I mean, who wouldn’t take it?
All this can be discovered by doing an absolute minimum amount of research on the book. Also, the first one was not out for six years in book form. It was on a blog, then published less than two years ago. Pargim didn’t realize he could make money off of it until recently. He hasn’t been milking it forever. The book just started.
Also, if you read his blog, he’s posted part 1 of a possible sequel and talked about how he’s writing the sequel now. I mean, Jesus Christ, man, how about Google searching before shouting about how you’re pissed because the author hasn’t deposited a shiny new book in your lap right NOW!
February 28th, 2010 at 5:39 am
This review was very good. It’s obvious (from the patronising nature of your replies) that several of the people posting in defence of JDatE are PWOT moderators, and all of you guys suck. Pargin is a boring has-been who, ironically, was funny before he made his living from comedy. Now he seems limited to threatening people in an online forum and deleting comments that disagree with his point of view. Fun guy!
Also, while Ethan’s post was moronic (so he should receive some kind of special recognition because he was just taking a stab at the whole author thing?), the number of people here who don’t understand sarcasm is astonishing. None of you should be allowed to have an opinion on anything.