INTERCOURSE
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing intercourse.

Intercourse has a number of names. Some of the most popular are ‘sex,’ ‘making love’ and ‘fucking.’ I prefer ‘making whoopie’ because it’s polite and friendly while maintaining an air of mystery. But I’ll stick with intercourse for review purposes.

Like love, the definition of what constitutes intercourse is often debated. It’s usually the combination of genitals touching other genitals (often a penis placed into a vagina), but can really be any genital placed into any opening, crevice or machine. Sometimes it’s even two different animals, but when that happens, usually one of those animals is a human and technically I think it’s rape, depending on how the animal was dressed.

Just about everyone likes to have intercourse, even if they’ve had traumatic experiences with it. Sometimes those people like to have it even more. This doesn’t make sense to me. I had an accident in a golf cart once and didn’t want to golf for eight years. Not even miniature golf.

The worst intercourse experience I had was when I accidentally inseminated a woman who then tried to blackmail me (thinking I was married). The actual intercourse had gone pretty well, but what followed was so unpleasant that it really soured the whole experience for me. Needless to say, intercourse can be complicated, especially if one of the people involved has a personality disorder.

Intercourse makes people feel all kinds of weird, unpredictable things. When I lost my virginity I thought it was because the girl I had intercourse with loved me. It turns out she just hated her boyfriend. I couldn’t understand that though, especially because Paul seemed like a stand-up guy. So I spent the better part of the year sending her flowers and love notes every day. I wish she hadn’t made a book of them and sold it to Random House.

And look out for diseases – you can get those through intercourse. They’re all over the place and too small to see with a magnifying glass. And if you pull out a microscope during foreplay, it will weird your partner out and probably spoil the mood. Unless your lover is a scientist.

So while sex feels great, there are often a lot of unintended consequences. Probably the simplest thing is to have intercourse with a complete stranger you’ll never see again. Just be prepared for a life of loneliness.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Salisbury steak.

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