MY SUMMER JOB
★★★★★ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing my summer job.

My neighbors needed someone to watch their house while they were away on vacation, and I needed some extra cash and a place to disappear for a while. It was a perfect fit. Their house was bigger and had several things mine did not, such as an unhaunted basement and a closet not filled with mementos of my deceased wife. It was a vacation all my own.

Strictly for the purposes of security (and for no other reasons, despite what some people may want you to believe) I wanted to create the illusion that the family was still home, so I would regularly put on the husband’s clothes and walk around in the yard watering plants and waving to passersby, saying my name was Bernie. The wife’s clothes were a less comfortable fit, so I remained indoors while dressed as her. Despite their son being overweight, and despite my recent diet, his clothes still tore when trying to fit into them. Visually I was an unconvincing child, even with the mask I made, so I limited my impersonation of him to the loud video game noises I would mimic. My security system proved very effective as was evident by the lack of burglars during my stay.

One of the less successful aspects of this job was my caring for their dog. He slowly passed away after a week under my watch. Having gone through somewhere around 30 dogs of my own, I felt confident I knew the ropes of dog sitting. Their dog was apparently quite fragile, and in my defense, the instructions, which mentioned his need to be fed daily, were bordering on illegible.

With all the extra time on my hands not having to contend with burglars – and a predilection for do-it-yourself taxidermy – I was able to create a nice surprise to cheer up the family when returning to discover that their dog hadn’t made it. Unfortunately they did not feel as pleased with his eternally exciting action pose as I was, nor did they have any appreciation for the work and care I put into his post-living state. I understand the sadness associated with a pet dying, but if they loved him that much why didn’t they take him on their vacation? Food for thought.

Despite the success of my house sitting efforts, they have yet to pay me for my services. I’ve had to file with small claims court, making sour an experience that was otherwise quite enjoyable.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing horsies.

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