TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD
★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Ted Wilson Reviews the World.
One year tomorrow I began reviewing the world. Happy birthday to me! In celebration, I offer a review of this very column. I’ve covered everything from forest fires to Ewoks to my own body, and even the plagiarized column Chuck Murphy Reviews the World. After rereading all my reviews, there is nothing with which I don’t still agree. Thus, my unwavering opinion is a clear testament to the accuracy of this column.
Ted Wilson Reviews the World has received praise from the likes of Utne Reader and the Onion. I’ve even made new friends because of this column. I have literally 39 Twitter friends! (Be mine here. Please. Because last week I had 42.) It’s neat to make friends I’ve never even met. I hope none of them are jerks.
One item of concern is the rate at which I’m reviewing the world. At only one item per week it’s going to take a significant amount of time to review everything the world has to offer. I tried getting a headcount on everything, but fell asleep somewhere around 2,098,339 things. At my advanced age it might seem unlikely I have enough time left, but I anticipate medical science will prolong my life far beyond what nature would prefer. The older I get, the more advances science will make. Thus, it’s pretty possible I’ll live forever.
Once I’ve reviewed the entire world, this column will be the go-to source for all information, beyond Wikipedia or Google. Instead of saying, “Google that,” people will say, “Ted Wilson that.” That’s why I’ve copyrighted and trademarked my name. I’m hoping to patent it as well, even though my lawyer says that’s not physically possible.
Anyway, if your name is also Ted Wilson, expect a lawsuit. Please don’t take it personally, this is only business. If you would like to avoid any ugliness you can just change your name now. I would recommend Jeff, Oscar, or Johnny as good alternatives. Those are all strong names, and besides, couldn’t you use a fresh start anyway? For a smoother transition, maybe Teb could be your new name. That would be easy enough to change on a business card.
Until this column becomes the next internet God, it is a humble pursuit. My computer gets all the websites, but I don’t know how to make it do things like update this review website. Thanks to Isaac Fishpatrick, the Rumpus editor, all I have to do is type my reviews on a sheet of paper and then mail them to Isaac. He then crosses out my swears and corrects my English (Finnish is my native tongue) and then I guess he runs everything through some sort of scanning machine or something. From there he uploads my review to the internet for all to read. If you see any mistakes here, it’s Isaac’s fault.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing your pants.
9 responses
Happy birthday to an awesome column that brings me to the brink of peeing my pants every week.
Happy birthday to the column that actually *does* make me pee my pants, because I’m a slightly bigger fan than Condegrrl. Well done, Ted, you Finnish animal.
Happy Birthday.
Awesome!
Thanks for the birthday wishes everybody! And hello to all my new Twitter friends! Larry, I’m sorry about your pants.
Happy birthday, darling Ted. Sugar loves you.
Happy Birthday to a stunningly original columnist. Whether you’re a real person or a character, if you have any interest in swimming in the much less shark infested waters (don’t believe the hype of the kevin spacey movie) of the entertainment industry that exists today to develop a project/property of some kind around you and this column, let me know if you haven’t already been approached. Patents pending or not.
Hyvää syntymäpäivää! Anteeksi, en puhu suomea; näkemiin!
[To everyone else: when I see English speakers use “Finnish” as a shorthand code for [obscurity, distance, inaccessibility etc] I feel sad, because it’s a stompin’ language with much to teach the brains of non-native speakers. It changed JRR Tolkien’s brain. I tried to let it change mine, and eventually I plan to get back to it for another go-round. (How is it cool? No prepositions or articles OR GENDER. Its case changes are in the middle of the word so it also frustrates Google in amusing ways. And that’s just for starters.) My Finnish teacher, who was Estonian, said I had NO CHANCE of mastering Estonian, you had to be learn as a child, but we outsiders CAN learn Finnish, so let’s some of us go for it so we can talk to Ted in his own language.]
Hi Ted and all. S**t! – I have just deciphered my notes and I see I made a significant error. The topic I am supposed to have no sense of humour and get all defensive about is FEMINISM not FINNISH. Another outsourcing screw-up. Sorry, very sorry!
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