FUNNY WOMEN #52: Literary Classics Summarized as Trashy Romance Novels

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To Whom It May Concern Regarding the Freelance Writer Position for eHarlequin.com:

Hello. I noticed you hadn’t gotten back to me regarding the freelance writer position, but I am writing to assure you that I am still very interested in writing back cover copy for eHarlequin.com. To demonstrate my ability, I have taken seven novels you may know and rewrote their summaries to address your target demographic. In an effort to make your reading experience more authentic, I’ve even taken the liberty of renaming the book titles to more accurately reflect the literature you typically publish. Please let me know what you think.

Best,
Rhoda Belleza

Symptom of Obsession by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
(Love in the Time of Cholera)

Fermina is headstrong, sexy, and totally unpredictable. While her father insists she choose a husband, she’d rather spend her time seducing village boys along the Magdalena River. Left in her heartbreak trail is Florentino, a mysterious man with whom she spends one steamy, unforgettable Caribbean night. In the years that follow, Florentino’s affections grow into a dangerous obsession that threatens to jeopardize her present life with the handsome Doctor Urbino. Florentino’s dirty letters and irresistible body put Fermina between a rock and his hard place, and she loves the way it feels. In the tug of war between the two men that want her, only one will come out on top…on top of her, that is.

Bonds and Bondage by Vladimir Nabokov
(Lolita)

Dolores Haze is a young woman trying to outrun a terrible family secret, but the reappearance of an old flame makes her feel like the naughty schoolgirl she once was. Mr. H is a mysterious, older man with a distinguished academic career…whose appetite for knowledge is only surpassed by his appetite for her body. He forces her to confront the intensity of that hot summer spent together…as outlaws and as lovers. In recalling their journey of lust and manipulation, she unravels a twisted secret that neither of them are ready to face. Before long, Dolores will have Mr. H on his knees…and doing a lot more than begging for forgiveness.

Derailed by Desire by Ayn Rand
(Atlas Shrugged)
Dagny is a sexy, high-powered railroad executive who always gets the job done. But when her employees are kidnapped by a radical leader, she’ll need all the muscle she can get her hands on. Enter Hank–the strong, sexy owner of “Rearden Steel,” who definitely knows how to yield some steel of his own. Using their combined knowledge of motors and explosives, they’ll embark on a dangerous mission: to release the hostages and blow up the compound–but temperatures will have to get very hot first. Dagny has to focus on task at hand…if she weren’t so distracted by Hank’s expert use of large tools. This far in the game, can they risk getting caught in a compromising position?

Unbearable Lust by Milan Kundera
(The Unbearable Lightness of Being)
Tereza is an ambitious photo journalist who’s as sexy as she is talented. But after the Czech beauty takes a dangerous assignment, the Russians mark her as a dissident and nowhere is safe. To the rescue is Tomas, a distinguished surgeon who is very skilled with his hands. As he aids her perilous escape to Switzerland, the question (and other things) will arise: Can he be trusted? Tereza isn’t sure, but she knows the doctor administers one hell of a physical exam. In this exciting journey across international territories, they’ll be heading south of the border—in more ways than one.

Heights of Passion by Emily Brontë
(Wuthering Heights)
Catherine Earnshaw has always been a wild child, doing whatever (and whoever) she pleases. But life at the wealthy English manor has lost its luster, and now she’s listless and hungry for action. Perfect timing for Heathcliff, the newly arrived bad boy from Liverpool. He works as a field hand and as Catherine soon discovers, he knows a thing or two about hoeing. As their youthful lust and secret rendezvous build in intensity, he mysteriously disappears—only to return after her marriage to the wealthy Edgar Linton. Heathcliff wants her back but harbors a dark secret, and she’ll have to tease it out and tame his inner beast to get some answers.

Moby-Dick by ghostwriter “Moby Dick”
This one writes itself.

Pamela by Samuel Richardson
No changes.

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Rhoda Belleza writes real book blurbs for a medical textbook publisher, where sexual innuendo is strictly prohibited. She's a Brooklyn-based writer and editor who often distracts herself by imagining you naked. She doesn't always like what she sees. More from this author →