FUNNY WOMEN #77: Penal Codes

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Following the trend of female lawmakers submitting bills to regulate men’s health, we decided to do the same. We are three straight, gay, single, married, white, Cuban, non-practicing Jewish women, which we think pretty much qualifies us to legislate what all men do with their bodies.

Bill #K679432: The Semen Personhood Act. All ejaculated semen must be frozen and given the fullest opportunity to fertilize an egg counterpart. Government funds shall not to go toward the purchase of tube socks, ShamWows, hotel towels, or other semen-impeding objects.

Bill #H269693: The Penis Probe Act. This act will require men who consider wearing a condom to have an internal ultrasound to inspect viable swimming sperm. Procedure shall be performed via endoscopic camera up the pee-pee hole.

Bill #d0ntbeanassh0le: The It Takes Two So You’d Better Help Me with These Goddamn Kids Acts. Biological fathers shall be required to pay child support. Should the father forgo child-involvement, he shall also be required to give the mother payment equivalent for childcare, lost time for herself, and the extra duties she must perform as a single mother. Failure to pay and/or take responsibility for offspring shall result in penalty of death and/or Teen Mom marathons a lá that creepy scene in A Clockwork Orange.

Bill #H639747: The Pregnancy Chivalry Act. To preserve fetal fitness, men or domestic partners of any gender will be legally responsible for assuming all duties that may impact the optimal mental or physical health of the expectant mother, including but not limited to: housecleaning, grocery shopping, carpooling, laundry, kitty litter changing, parenting of older siblings, managing in-laws, The View watching, PTA duties, heavy lifting, car washing, kvetching, cooking, menstruating, domestic accounting and bill paying, house renovations, holiday card making and sending, and socializing with those goddamn asshole neighbors.

Bill #H7390928779834: The Pregnancy by Proxy Bill. The DNA father of the baby shall be required to abstain from alcohol, drugs, tomfoolery, shenanigans, ballyhoo, and spicy foods, including but not limited to: pickles, lettuce, milk, ground meat, mayonnaise, eggs, tofu, chicken, juice, beans, bread, legumes, vegetables, ice cream, etc.

Bill #H290348203909340973409: The Baby Daddy Bill. Simultaneous to an expectant mother’s positive pregnancy test result, a DNA test will be administered to determine paternity. Once paternity is determined, the father will be legally required to perform according to the Pregnancy Chivalry Act (above), or provide financial equivalent to cover the mental and physical needs of the mother in his absence should she determine that the father, due to his being an asshole, is a factor in her mental or physical unrest during pregnancy.

Bill #P5678: Family Values Rhyme Act. Milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner fudge is made. Don’t put stuff in that hole, that act will not lead to procreation.

Bill #438w6748: The Sex Worker Act. Anytime a man has sex, he will be required to fill out a W-2 as he is now a prostitute.

Bill #1234: Stud Farm Act. Males of reproductive age will be divided into pedigrees and bred (loaned, rented or sold) according to their assets. Stud farms will be overseen by Janet Reno.

Bill #77: The Pay Gap Act. Effective immediately: all men begin earning seventy-seven cents to the woman’s dollar. Also mandated: a new reverse engineered glass ceiling for men.

Bill #48E967JJ3: The Glossy Men’s Magazine Act. All magazines must have at least one article per issue telling men what to do with their ball hair, leg hair, underarm hair, facial hair (focus on eyebrows, upper lip, and chin), stomach hair, feet hair, and poo-poo hole hair. Effective immediately: crocs, shiny jackets, chin-strap beards, and any such items that render a male completely undesirable shall be outlawed.

Bill #1: The Obvious Act. Men are no longer allowed to tell women what to do.

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Janine Brito started doing standup comedy in St. Louis and has performed at clubs and theaters throughout the US and Hong Kong. Praised by 7x7 Magazine as "one of SF's more daring voices", she is the recipient of Rooftop Comedy's 2010 Silver Nail Award and was named the 2011 “Best Comedian with a Message” by the East Bay Express. Elissa Bassist edits the Funny Women column. Visit www.elissabassist.com for more literary, feminist, and personal criticism. Or just follow her on Twitter. Jewelie is a lazy old back-up singer. More from this author →