Funny Women #117: How’s that Barnard Thing Working out for You?

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Oh my god, hi! It’s great to see you too. It’s been ages since we graduated! How’s that Barnard thing working out for you?

Are you empowered? Validated? Have you found your voice and are you expressing yourself? Remember how they played Madonna at our ’93 commencement? Remember Madonna?

Did you fall in love? Did you find a partner who eschews traditional gender roles by bemoaning the extra 23 cents he earns and designing ergonomic Daddy baby carriers? Someone who encourages you to fulfill yourself, who’s content to stay in the background, someone who leans out? And does he . . .

Oh, sorry to hear it.

And right after he finished his residency?

Bummer.

But hey, that is a good settlement. It’s lucky you had that text transcript. Good for you! Always resourceful.

Adaly1Are you leaning in? You are? That’s fantastic! You’re leaning in! You’re putting your right hand in and your right hand out, you’re putting your right hand in and—

Why are you doing that?

May I just interrupt to say that it’s so brave that you went ahead and had her on your own like that? You found a fluid donor, used an organic turkey baster, read obsessively about home delivery, carried her for nine months, delivered her yourself as a newly certified midwife, and are raising her alone. You’re the best.

Speaking of having a girl, you’re still incensed by the cosmetic and fashion industry’s shameless and relentless exploitation of women, right? Naomi Wolf told it! I agree—things have gone from bad to worse. It’s all so unfair—a little like when you find that perfect Lifting and Nourishing Luxe Night Repair cream and it’s recalled because of the excessive steroid content and then you have to lift and nourish and repair another way.

Shiseido Lucent is a good one?

Are you making a Difference? Still politically active? Remember when the President we all admired and canvassed and phone-banked for humiliated his wife on such a global, colossal scale? The worst.

How does it feel to be one of the last Barnard women to write her thesis on a typewriter? “Revolutionary Changes in Gender Roles: The Women of Nicaragua”? Did that affect any Change? Did you pin a PDF version to your “Sisters Are Doing It for Themselves” Pinterest Board? Terrific!

Are you a Part of the Solution? Didn’t Bono turn out great? What kind of work do you do by the way?

Oh.

Well, hey—those guys are entitled to legal counsel just like everyone else, right?

It’s wonderful to hear that you discovered a sense of humor. How come everything was so not funny back then?

Did you take back the night? Wasn’t it empowering to march with all those women on the streets of Morningside Heights? We have the right to dress the way we want to, go where we want to, when we want to . . .

What’s that?

Oh, sorry to hear it. Do they not have special glasses to correct that kind of thing? You should so not give up on driving after dusk! Eat more carrots!

Adaly2You’re still a feminist, right? A humanist? An Oprah-ist? A Clooney-ist? Do you still believe in the power of a really good novel to transform the world? I also loved her coverage and analysis of Breaking Bad. It’s never enough just to watch it, is it? Reading about it makes it so much more of a complete cultural experience.

Are you still celebrating Diversity? Remember first-year orientation? Didn’t it feel like a revolution happening right before our eyes?

Yeah, those neighborhoods did get pretty white in a hurry! It’s almost as if Shisheido’s Lucent Brightening Cream was sprayed Agent Orange style all over Fort Greene.

Congratulations on that townhouse!

Did you take control of your sexuality? You did? Good for you! It is ironic, isn’t it? I believe the correct term for that is “andropause.”

Remember that seminar on Women and Government? It was so stimulating. Especially that one class where you talked about gender empowerment and dreamed of the day when America would elect its first female president. Wasn’t that an amazing—

What?

Get the fuck out of here!

That is too funny! Good for her.

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Rumpus original art by Annie Daly.

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Devorah Blachor writes a comic mystery series under the pen name Jasmine Schwartz, as well as essays and humor. Her novels include Farbissen and Fakakt. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter. More from this author →