FUNNY WOMEN #135: Personal G”wow”th

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Hello and so good to see you! I appreciate you meeting me here at the Brentwood Starbucks so soon after your aqua-pilates-bodycombat class in Beverly Hills. I know you’ve got a very tight schedule and a dinner at 7 p.m., not to mention cello and mahjong after our appointment, so let’s get down to business. As we move through these exercises our goal is to optimize your success. As your certified life coach, I’m here to help identify and remove obstacles to your personal growth so that you can be the “best you” possible. Second grade is trying enough without standing in your own way.

Let’s look at the color coded circle of personal power wheel identifying the key “deal makers” and “deal breakers” in your life. As you forge ahead on the journey called elementary school, each of these areas will be instrumental in helping you rocket to prosperity or plummet to repugnant mediocrity. I’m here to keep you one step ahead of the game. Maybe two, if you’re hungry enough.

Let’s begin with the blue wedge for commitment. I’ve asked you to give each of these a number, and I see you’ve given commitment an 8. That seems somewhat low. Think we can nudge that number up to a 9? When we talked last week, you told me that you wanted to lose your baby teeth before Spirulina Jacobsen. You said that was your priority goal. We’ve marked that pri-goal™ on the corresponding Target Table™ with a tooth sticker. How committed are you? What will you need to sacrifice? Your mother tells me that Spirulina is a year older. So you will need to take some difficult measures. Maybe it requires string and a door handle, or pliers. How badly do you want it? I bet Spirulina Jacobsen wants it really badly. You have to want it more, and then a little more, and be willing to do what it takes. That’s called commitment. That’s called using your brass knuckles to get the brass ring.

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I’m rather worried about this 7 for motivation, here. Celiac, I won’t mince words. This is disappointing. Frankly, I’m beginning to wonder if you have the fortitude to be a winner, or if you understand numbers. It’s also a bit of a surprise because we’ve worked very hard with the housekeeper to implement the Triple-M™ motivational mirror messages in every bathroom of the house. Is the fact that they are written in Chinese an issue? Do I need to have a conversation with your Chinese tutor? Is your sister Prrrl altering them again? If so, then I’m going to need to have a tête-à-tête with her life coach, Kenneth, about fostering a culture of ethical competition in the domicile. Between you and me, Kenneth has a history of cheating and other unethical tactics, and we’ll leave it at that. But I digress. Back to the Personal Power Wheel! Onward on the P-P-Dub!

Oh boy. 7.5 for focus. Haven’t I told you never to go halfway on anything? What do you mean, your father changed your answer? You believe you deserve an 8? I hear you, Celiac, I really hear you and acknowledge your truth, but your father and I would beg to differ. He tells me that he caught you reading Girl in Chains: The Story of a Modern Day Child Laborer more than once when you were supposed to be studying Coding for Fun and Profit. So you may want to rethink that 8. I’m thinking this is a case of Emotional Inflation.™ It’s tough to get real with ourselves, but that’s where the growth happens. I don’t usually discuss my other clients, but do you realize that i-Leen Hirshberg over at Upper Riviera Prep-Academy Prep School has already developed three apps and has an offer on the table from Google for “Faculty Lounge Dronecam™”? Pending resolution of a minor lawsuit, i-Leen is set to pull in 7 figures and a puppy. I’ll let you in on a little secret. You know how i-Leen gets it done? Focus. Eye on the prize.Daly2 Yes, Eye on the Prize™ supplements (FDA approval pending.) Now, I’m going to take a bit of a drastic measure and recommend we change this category from yellow to violet until we bring that number up a squidge.

So we’ve got a lot to think and journal about, Celiac. I’d like to see a dramatic improvement in these numbers. And don’t forget that shoebox diorama of how you envision your ideal life. By next week, please. Seeing our goals in three dimensions really helps cement them in our dreamscape. Now, I am sending you home with a client packet of my tested and patented 9-1-1 Approach to Personal Success™: 9 daily affirmations, 1 admission of personal failure, and 1 mild electric shock. Its #19 on Amazon in the “Manifestational Guides” category. Over 1,000 copies sold, as featured on La Jolla This Morning with Brad Balducci. But of course, what’s important here is you. Naturally. My clients are my passion. That’s how I have guided thousands of children to increased health, wealth, and celebrity. Keep it up, Celiac, and grade school is yours to master.

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Rumpus original art by Annie Daly. Purchase Annie’s art here.

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Mieke Eerkens is a Dutch-American writer who grew up in Los Angeles and The Netherlands. Her work has been published in the Atlantic, Los Angeles Review of Books, PEN America, Pank, Guernica, and Creative Nonfiction, among others. She has an MFA in Nonfiction Writing from The University of Iowa. Her debut book is forthcoming from Picador. More from this author →