“It appears that gradually, over time, editors have begun the process of moving women, one by one, alphabetically, from the ‘American Novelists’ category to the ‘American Women Novelists’ subcategory.” –Amanda Filipacchi, “Wikipedia’s Sexism Toward Female Novelists,” The New York Times, April 24, 2013

“Around 90 percent of Wikipedia editors are men, and it shows.” –New Scientist

A lot of women people (as opposed to men people, or just “people”) are upset that Wikipedia editors have created a subcategory for “American Women Novelists.” But I’m not. I’m stoked! This could be the best thing that’s ever happened to women novelists like me.

First of all, I can stop competing with Jonathan Franzen. Franzen has been a real pain in my lady parts, and now that we’re not in the same category, I can stop feeling so awful about my writing. While I knew in my heart’s core we would never be in the same league, now we’re literally never going to be in the same league. Such a relief! I mean, for real.

B.) There’s also less competition within my segregated field. Because fewer books by women are published, I have a higher probability of success. (That’s how math works, correct?) Like my woman parent always says, “It’s easier to win when everyone else is losing. Now let’s go clean the toilet!”

Apparently the list of “American Novelists” is too long, so I see why subcategories are necessary. It’s like when my inbox is too full and I have to archive certain emails and forget about them forever. (I have email folders for “Etsy Sales,” “Sephora Sales,” “The Atlasphere: Ayn Rand News, Dating & Social Networking Newsletters,” and so on.) Organization and labeling are supreme virtues, above most other less supreme virtues like equality and fairness. I’d like to see Wikipedia continue this helpful sub-categorization. “American Women Comedians” is an obvious one.

I was immersing myself in women’s literature the other day—by that I mean I was reading a cookbook—and that’s when I knew what I should do. I will write the next Great American Woman’s Novel. It’ll be part romance fiction/journal/doodles/musings/sestina about kittens and friendship/an illuminating treatise about the way we live now/word cloud, and it will cover the typical subject matters women write about: marriage, motherhood, yogurt, dating as a competitive sport, emotional warfare, housework, tampons, rainbows, midwifery, gardening, hysteria, beauty products, weight gain, weight loss, the art of being shrill, divorce, magic, and light bondage.

One chapter will be an audio file of Taylor Swift songs.
One chapter will be just emojis.
One chapter will be my grocery list.
One chapter will be a link to my Pinterest page.
One chapter will be manufactured with drops of my blood, sweat, and tears.
One chapter will be me making a sandwich for all the “American Novelists.”

If I have any deep, universal, logical thoughts or opinions, I’ll write them down on Post-Its and then chew them up and swallow them to maintain the illusion women don’t write about those things.

Of course I’ll write TNGAWN with BIC for Her pens, designed to fit a woman’s hand. The XY pens I’d been using were heavy and obstructed my flow of words, but BIC for Her’s comfortable and innovative design makes writing a pure pleasure. The pink one is for writing thoughts I’m thinking and the purple one is for feelings I’m feeling. I’ve outsourced the typing to a man helper to whom I pay 30 percent more for the work than I would ask to be paid were I employed as an outsourced typist.

I’ll publish the novel via my self-publishing operation Books by Her, and some smart men in design and marketing will slap on a cover that my cervix can really identify with—like a canary yellow cover depicting high-heeled shoes atop a glistening martini glass made with bits of the glass ceiling we just totally cracked by letting it crash to the floor.

It’s true that books by women aren’t reviewed as often in thought-leader newspapers and magazines, and it’s a vicious cycle—women are systematically underrepresented in reviews, so they have fewer “credible source” citations on Wikipedia, so fewer wombyn are “notable,” so people who browse Wikipedia based on notability won’t readily see them—that I’d rather stay out of. And anyway, more women than men buy books; ergo, my novel will be a bestseller even if no one hears about it.

I could fight subcategorization—encourage writers of femininity to start editing Wikipedia, to create new entries and flood the system with new perspectives, maybe alter the way information is organized, possibly influence how a story gets told, just do tiny, fixable things that make it easier for women to gain equality—but that’d take me away from writing the next Great American Woman’s Novel—tentatively titled All the Single Ladies Just Wanna Have Fun!—so, you know, pass.

I guess what I’m saying is, maybe this is a high point. American Women Novelists are special. Chosen. In a category all our own.

Man, we’ve come a long way, baby.

***
[N.B. In “Yes, Wikipedia Is Sexist -- That's Why It Needs You,” Deanna Zandt offers resources available for beginners to get started editing Wikipedia:

• Wikipedia has a welcome library of resources that includes handbooks and videos on principles of editing and how to use the editing tools.
• WikiWomen is a collective of people interested in supporting women’s activities in the community. It’s both a rallying cause and resource for women’s participation, as well as a supportive environment in which to learn.
• The Teahouse is a community gathering spot on Wikipedia for newcomers (of all genders) to ask questions and get help with problems they might be having.
• Of course, [Deanna’s] own work: I teach introductory webinars and workshops on Wikipedia principles, tools and resources, and have tailored those workshops to primarily women-centered groups.]

***

Please submit your own funny writing to our Rumpus submission manager powered by Submittable. See first: Funny Women Submission Guidelines.

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Kaylen Ralph and Joanna Demkiewicz, a.k.a. “The Rosies,” created The Riveter to celebrate ”the diversity of the female experience by publishing original longform and narrative pieces by women.” As two female twentysomething journalism students, Kaylen and Joanna ”needed to create a space where [they] could exist.” Preach.

“We noticed a void in the representation of female longform journalists. This is our effort to fill it.” Fill that void! (Sex pun thoroughly intended.)

To submit original work, email therivetermagazine AT gmail.com.

The site also profiles women writers, like moi, here and here. (If you use French, self-promotion is less disgusting, right?)

(Quick aside: I own a Rosie the Riveter action figure that looks like this. I often use her accessories, a brown plastic rivet gun and black plastic lunchpail with “ROSIE” written in white, as placeholders in books. Rosie’s right hand is clenched into a fist and her left is the shape of an “O,” a place to fit the handle of her gun or lunchpail or a miniature penis, sold separately. She has a firm expression, big breasts, a polka-dotted red bandanna, red lips, blue jumpsuit, and a camel toe. Buy yours today!)

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Mary Breaden began this online writers’ collective with the goal of making a weekly smashup of women writers. Over the next three months, the PDXX writers will be conducting interviews with women writers, publishers, and business owners they admire, including Chloe Caldwell, Lidia Yuknavitch, Chandler O’Leary of Anagram Press, Krista Lyons of Seal Press, and more. As aspiring writers themselves, they feel it’s important to connect with other women in publishing. Preach.

If you are a woman writer with a killer beat or story to tell and are interested in contributing, submit your stuff. They publish literary fiction and nonfiction, as well as responses to particular current events, and interviews.

And another thing! PDXX has done a mitzvah by putting together a list of upcoming literary and e-journal deadlines. Get up on it!

Thank you, PDXX Collective.

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Rumpus Poetry Book Club author Leigh Stein will MC, and judges include: Rumpus Funny Women editor Elissa Bassist (me, speaking of myself in the third person), Vol. 1 Brooklyn‘s Founding Editor Jason Diamond, and BOMB Magazine’s Online Poetry Editor Jozeph Herceg.

Poets being judged include:
Melissa Broder
Sasha Fletcher
Sarah Gerard
Jennifer L. Knox
Jason Koo
Austin LaGrone
Dorothea Lasky
Dan Magers
Ben Pease
Bianca Stone
Brian Trimboli
M.A. Vizsolyi

We’d all be eternally grateful to see you on Saturday.

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When Jeanette W. was fifteen, she fell in love with another girl and couldn’t hide it. Her mother, referred to as “Mrs. Winterson,” staged an exorcism (no joke). Of exorcisms, Jeanette W. says, “You go in feeling strong, and you leave feeling the devil is inside you.”

Mrs. Winterson issued an ultimatum: “Give up the girl or leave home.” As Jeanette W. packed her bags, Mrs. Winterson asked, “Why are you doing this?” Jeanette W. said, “To be happy.” Mrs. Winterson then asked, “Why be happy when you could be normal?”

Jeanette W. wondered if this was a false question. Now she believes when you do the right thing, you are not happy. You often feel worse than you did in the comfortable wrong place. But that’s life.

Other things Jeanette W. said (some are quotations from her book):

- The opening line of her novel Written on the Body is: “Why is the measure of love loss?” She wrote that twenty years ago, and she no longer believes it. She calls it a “young” thought. She now believes in the daily rising of love, reliable as the sun.

- “The Kindle is like phone sex–it’ll do but you have to go home to have the real thing.”

- “Life has an inside as well as an outside.”

- “Our interest in art is our interest in ourselves.”

- Trust yourself as a writer. Let your creativity tell you what to do. Allow it to be chaotic. Be absorbed and delighted by your obsessions.

- When she read the line “I pondered the horrors of heterosexuality…” out of her book, the room could not stop laughing. Then she added, “Think of me as Mitt Romney.” [Maybe "you had to be there."]

- Going bonkers takes time. Respect your own craziness.

- She doesn’t write in sequence. She doesn’t number her pages until the end.

- On revisiting the past: you understand memoirs in a new way. Open locked places to redeem them. The psyche tends towards healing. Creativity drives to keep you sane, whole.

- This is a book about hope. It is experiments in experience. She believes there are three endings in all of history: 1) revenge, 2) tragedy, 3) forgiveness. Forgiveness is the only thing that can move something along. Invest in forgiveness.

- “Make sure Obama is reelected,” she said.

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First there was Nancy Pelosi’s GOP Oversight hearing photo showing five men testifying on women’s health. ”What qualifies me to be an expert on women’s reproductive health? I’m a 59-year-old man.”

Then Sandra Fluke testified, arguing in favor of requiring private insurance plans to cover contraception coverage. For this, Rush Limbaugh called Fluke a “slut” and a “prostitute” who is “having so much sex she can’t afford contraception” and is someone who “wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex” and then “post the videos online so we can all watch.” Hey, Rush, watch this.

Rush also said: “Have you ever heard of not having sex? Have you ever heard of not having sex so often?” “[Fluke] wants all the sex in the world, whenever she wants it, all the time…they’re lined up around the block…We’re talking sex-addict frequency here…Immoral, baseless, no-purpose-to-her-life woman…Mrs. Fluke, who bought your condoms in junior high?” “She’s having so much sex, I can’t imagine she can still walk.” Hey, Rush, I can’t imagine you can still walk after this. Also, to be fair, I’ve heard of not having sex; it’s called loneliness. Ladies, am I right?!

Foster Friess, the billionaire funder to the super PAC supporting Rick Santorum, said, “And this contraceptive thing, my gosh, it’s such [sic] inexpensive. Back in my day, they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.”

And Virginia introduced a bill that would require any woman getting an abortion to submit to the invasive procedure known as a transvaginal ultrasound, allowing a woman to “view her child.” Of the bill, Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell said: “This was about empowering women with more medical and legal information that previously they were not required to get in order to give informed consent.”

Rep. Regier equated a pregnant women to pregnant cows and half built houses. He even provided pictures.

All of this relied on the de facto thinking: I’m an an old white man, so I know all things. Do these men think their proximity to vaginas empowers them? Hey, I’m vagina-adjacent, so listen to everything I have to say and take it as ironclad truth. The evidence: People Who Know Nothing about Birth Control…Talking about Birth Control. After watching that, I suggest you watch this.

***

Now female lawmakers are submitting bills regulating men’s health to see how the men like it. Bless the backlash.

Cleveland Sen. Nina Turner introduced Senate Bill 307 this week to regulate men’s reproductive health, according to the Dayton Daily News: “Before getting a prescription for Viagra or other erectile dysfunction drugs, men would have to see a sex therapist, receive a cardiac stress test and get a notarized affidavit signed by a sexual partner affirming impotency.”

Instead of asking, “Do you have a condom?,” imagine asking, “Do you have a notary?”

“Turner’s bill joins a trend of female lawmakers submitting bills regulating men’s health,” and Hannah Levintova at Mother Jones compiled a list of such bills here: Insane Sex Laws Inspired by Republicans.

My favorites:

Delaware: By an 8 to 4 vote, the Wilmington, Delaware, city council recognized the personhood of semen because “each ‘egg person’ and each ‘sperm person’ should be deemed equal in the eyes of the government.”

Think of how many children you’re shooting into tube socks every hour of every day, gentlemen. Shame on you!

Virginia: As the state Senate debated requiring transvaginal ultrasounds for women seeking abortions, Sen. Janet Howell proposed mandating rectal exams and cardiac stress tests for men seeking erectile dysfunction meds. Her amendment failed by just two votes.

Put that in your poop-shoot and smoke it. Or something equally nonsensical.

Illinois: State Rep. Kelly Cassidy proposed requiring men seeking Viagra to watch a video showing the treatment for persistent erections, an occasional side effect of the little blue pill. As she explained, “It’s not a pretty procedure to watch.”

I propose an addendum: compile a video of every movie/medical TV drama scene of a dick being forcibly deflated/amputated/otherwise lobbed off. Off the top of my head, I can think of scenes in Grey’s Anatomy, Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever, and House. [Shockingly, I could not find YouTube evidence. Just trust me.]

Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update had some good jokes in the segment Really!?! With Seth and Amy: Birth Control, Seth Meyers says: ”[Virginia also] passed a bill saying life begins at conception. What’s next: Life begins at ‘last call’? Life begins when you click ‘save’ [sic] on your Match.com profile?” Life begins with a glint of libido in the eye?

Poehler spoke for all women when she added, “Don’t tell me what to do!”

Similarly, stop trying to silence us.

See also: Subject for Debate: Are Women People? ”This debate has reached critical mass, and leaves me uncertain of my legal and moral status. Am I a person? An object? A ward of the state? A “prostitute”? (And if I’m the last of these, where do I drop off my W-2?).”

***

In response to female lawmakers submitting bills regulating men’s health, Janine Brito, a lazy old back-up singer named Jewelie, and I, a.k.a. “The Transvaginal UltraWand Singers,” invented a few of our own. See today’s “Funny Women #77: Penal Codes.”

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“We’re secretaries fully versed in Derrida, receptionists who have read Proust in French. This is a land of girls. There are always at least ten of ‘us’ for every one of ‘him.’”  –Meghan Daum, “Publishing and Other Near-Death Experiences”

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On male plots v. female plots:

- Generally, men’s books are about abandoning consciousness and setting off for adventures and solving physical problems; Levine wanted to write a book with a female protagonist who wants a physical adventure but can’t have one. Levine “refused to leave the feminine behind,” which I took to mean that she didn’t want to drop a female character into a traditional male plot because that would mean abandoning the real constraints women face–the obligations/tethers to life that preclude “going out into the world!”

- This reminded me of Sylvia Path writing in her journal at eighteen about her “consuming desire to mingle with road crews, sailors, and soldiers, barroom regulars–to be part of a scene, anonymous, listening, recording . . . to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night”; but, she goes on to say (in a tone I can only read as “torpedo to the gut”), she can do none of this, because, “I am a girl, a female, always in danger of assault.” The adventures of men and women are different.

On Treasure Island!!!!’s narrator:

- Like Ryan Gosling’s character in Drive, the protagonist/narrator does not have a name. Levine thought a name like “Betsy” would imbue the narrator with too many prefab characteristics. As a stylistic device, the lack of a name refuses the reader a handle on her.

- There’s a moral center to the book the narrator does not inhabit (she is sometimes a monster).

- On the narrator being “unlikable,” Levine said, “No one asks this of male narrators, to be likable.” Also, she has many likable qualities, for example: wit and mental quickness, and we as readers are sympathetic to her yearning to be better.

- She’s not a “chick lit” girl with whom you’d want to go shop shopping or discuss waxing habits.

- “Certain people have outed her as a Jew.”

On the narrator’s Core Values “Boldness, Resolution, Independence, Horn Blowing”:

- If Levine had to pick her own four Core Values, she’d go with: “compassion, empathy, patience, kindness.” She never suggests these straight in the book; she prefers to come at it slant. Points to Sara Levine for referencing Emily Dickinson in conversation.

On her favorite book:

- Sara (we’re now on a first-name basis after the Dickinson triumph) calls herself a serial monogamist–she loves one book after another after another. (Don’t we all.)

On her writing style: 

- Slow. She believes in putting work in a drawer. (I have since created a folder on my desktop entitled “Writing Drawer.” I suggest you do the same–then we can be twinsies!)

- She discourages students from publishing too fast–most want to publish yesterday. (Don’t we all.)

- She likes short forms because she doesn’t like to take up a lot of space.

On her editing style: 

- Compares her writing to a wall with fissures.

- Her critical eye becomes less critical with time. (Another benefit of putting work in the drawer.)

On Robert Louis Stevenson: 

- Robert Louis Stevenson was 31 went he wrote Treasure Island; his parents still financially supported him. He had failed many times to write a book and worried he’d never make it as a writer. He was often wrong about things.

Note to potential readers: If you enjoy books where every sentence is a perfect sentence, I suggest you read Treasure Island!!! by Sara Levine, who thinks her book would be more Jewish if she threw a question mark in the title.

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Recently, I started taking improv classes at Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York (founded by the high priestess of funny, Amy Poehler). During each class exercise, I’d think, “This would help my writing.” I compiled a list of

1. Be in a scene (a place, a time, an action). I used to start scenes with a joke and go from there; one day my teacher, the venerable Chelsea Clarke, stopped me and said, “Be rowing a boat.” I began rowing a fake boat, and suddenly, I was a character in a boat; the audience knew where I was and what I was doing.

It’s similarly knee-jerk to start a chapter discussing the metaphysics of unrequited love or whatever, but that’s disorientating to your reader because it’s like soliloquizing in space. Put your reader in a scene. Make one character be unrequitedly in love with another character rowing her boat.

1a. Relatedly, I wrote a chapter that is 80% me talking about my emotions and blowjobs. After an hour-long conversation with an editor about how to organize/overhaul this chapter, she finally said, “Elissa! Get out of the talky headspace, and present [verb] moments, rather than talk on and on about them. Basically, I need to see the blowjob. Take me into the blowjob room.” Take your readers into the blowjob room.

2. Play to the top of your intelligence. I wish I could explain this one better, but I think I just like the phrase, “Play to the top of your intelligence.” (Here is what Google says: ”If your character is stupid, be smart about how you’re stupid,” which I take to mean, be stupid in a specific way).

2a. I am trying to write a book. The book begins with me as a college student, a nineteen-year-old girl. I did a lot of dumb shit at that age. As the writer/present-day narrator (no longer a college student, no longer a teenager), I have to be smart about showing that young girl doing dumb shit.

3. “Yes, and.” Tina Fey’s Bossypants gets this right: “The Rule of Agreement reminds you to ‘respect what your partner has created’ and to at least start from an open-minded place. Start with a YES and see where it takes you. As an improvisor, I always find it jarring when I meet someone in real life whose first answer is no . . . ‘No, I will not hold your hand for a dollar.’ What kind of way is that to live? . . . You are supposed to agree and then add something of your own . . . To me, YES, AND means don’t be afraid to contribute. It’s your responsibility to contribute. Always make sure you’re adding something to the discussion. Your initiations are worthwhile.” Do I agree with Tina Fey? YES, AND I want to be her sister.

3a. Once applied to writing, you’ll be saying to yourself, “Yes, I want to write this emotionally traumatic scene, and I want to write the healing scene that comes a few years later.” “Yes, I want to hear your constructive criticism, and I’m going to make this chapter stronger because of it.” “Yes, this character goes down on that character, and then they switch it up.” “Yes, this horrible thing happened to me, and I’m going to write about it and turn it into the most beautiful piece of literature.” “Yes, I’m going to write a book, and I’m going to write another.”

4. Support your scene partners’ success. This is all about not being a jerk. Applaud your team every single time they/he/she get(s) the courage to do something creative/crazy in front of you and your judging eyes.

4a. Here is a rant:

I used to believe that if someone else is really funny, then I’m obviously less funny. If someone else is the best in the scene, then I’m—if not the worst—not the best, because the best is taken. If another woman in the class is getting better, then I’m getting worse. If she’s succeeding, I’m not. Not true in improv (and life)! A few things to consider: A) The better your scene partner is, the better you are, because you’re trapped on a sinking and/or floating ship together. B) If your ship is sinking, it’s fine because you are not alone. C) Sometimes, to make the scene work, it’s in your benefit to be “the straight man” (this isn’t a homophobic term; it means: the one who isn’t the funny scene-stealing star. “Straight men” are important because they make the scene work, and therefore make the show good; it’s not about them—it’s about their team. “Straight men” are also important for sex.)

4b. How this pertains to writing: it may very well be true that another person is succeeding and you are not experiencing success, but one has nothing to do with the other. There’s not a limited amount of success going around. In what world does it make sense that if I am funny, you are not funny? NO WORLD. We need to believe in, encourage, support, and massage each other’s egos. I believe in you. I believe in what you’re doing. Please keep doing it, and maybe do a little of it near me.

(Sidebar rant to The Rant: There’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and I think it’s harder for women than for men, because in men, arrogance is sexy. In women, it’s bitchy. I’m making generalizations based on my own generalizations and those of my friends—this may be hard to accept or you want to argue or say I’m not being objective or I’m being reverse sexist. This female community doesn’t exclude men; what I’m emphasizing is that we need to fortify the female community. There is work to be done. How do I know this? Because I know there’s work to be done inside me. [Insert dirty joke here.])

5. Make strong choices. The more specific you are (“I’m in a graveyard, and I’m a vampire slayer who is also a vampire [real scene that happened to me]“), the stronger you are communicating. If you’re a vampire, try biting your scene partner right away (the strong and obvious choice), instead of what I did, which was to stand still and say, “Hey, I’m a vampire slayer who is also a vampire, so I guess I’m suicidal.” And then I staked myself and died. The scene was over before it began.

5a. I can visualize a strong female lead who likes grilled cheese with American cheese and white bread; I do not have a clear picture of a character who eats food.

6. Don’t be precious. This is another way of saying, “kill your darlings.” Move on. Let go of your expectations. Let’s say you’re planning a great joke, but the scene changes/takes a different direction and the joke no longer works—let it go. Be comfortable letting it be gone forever. Know you’re in the next scene with a new joke, a new opportunity. As Darwin said, “It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” I also like what Will Eno wrote: “Let’s not be precious. The history of plays and the history of the world is a set of the same conversations being had by different people. We’ve all been through them. ‘You are the only one, forever,’ we swear, having sworn it before.” You are the only one, forever, fantastic first sentence; goodbye.

6a. If you can’t kill your darlings, anesthetize/copy & paste them in a separate Word document.

7. Be present. Yoga also says this. If yoga and improv say this, it must be the truest of truths. Not being present in a scene is the real-life nightmare of showing up to a test for which you haven’t studied (and you are naked and your crush is noticing you for the first time and there is shrinkage). Not being present in a yoga pose means you have probably fallen on your sacrum or your shockra or your perineum.

7a. Writing takeaway: When talking about Elizabeth Bishop one day, my poetry teacher, Jennifer Michael Hecht, said she believed only in work created with a high level of concentration. Install the hilariously-named Freedom program that turns off the Internet; place your phone in a drawer; put up a sign that says Mining Coal; do whatever you have to do to be present with your writing. Go into the blowjob room if you have to.

There are a lot of other rules, and I’ll update this as I learn them. Namaste, Funny Women (and that includes men and everyone else).

**

Please submit your own funny writing to funnywomen AT therumpus dot net. See first: Funny Women Submission Guidelines.

To read other Funny Women pieces and interviews, see the archives.

Follow the column on Twitter: @funny_women

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We ♥ Mike Doughty

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