The memorial award established by McSweeney’s in 2004, the Amanda Davis Highwire Award, is now open to applicants again.

The award “is intended to aid a young woman writer of 32 years or younger who both embodies Amanda’s personal strengths—warmth, generosity, a passion for community—and who needs some time to finish a book in progress. The book in progress needn’t be thematically or stylistically close to Amanda’s work, but we would be lying if we said we weren’t looking to support another writer of Amanda’s outrageous lyricism and heart.”

Check the post for application details.

The way you’re looking at me tonight, I know you’re ready to take this to the next level.

…more

RHET1002 Students,

It has come to my attention that many of you are unaware of my policy on email etiquette. Please take a moment to review the following guidelines to better facilitate the exchange of ideas within our learning community. …more

First, do not fret, this is a very common affliction, affecting millions of people worldwide. Second Hand Embarrassment Syndrome (SHES) is defined as feeling other people’s embarrassment as acutely as your own. This makes reality television, specifically talent competitions, extremely hard for you to watch. …more

That’s what we authors are always working for, that personal connection with the reader. It’s what makes all the unpaid hours, mostly spent blogging for a book deal, worthwhile. …more

Hi, I am Jeneane, your conference speaker today, and I would like to start by apologizing for a few things before we get started. …more

Like most women, I am gay for Sarah Haskins. Unlike most women, I got to interview her.

Here are some things you should know about Sarah to get the most out of our interview: …more

I live down the street from a real life celebrity: not one of those fake celebrities who’s won a Nobel Prize or appeared in the local newspaper because she raised money for cancer awareness or bad complexion. This person is a real star, someone who has a job being famous all the time. …more

My theory of the tortured artist is to be an artist, you don’t have to be tortured. But it helps.

I am in graduate school. Because I have nothing better to do, I wanted to prove my thesis. As research I observed some people and asked some questions about drinking and drugs and art. All of the people who appear in this study are of legal drinking age. …more

Meet Felicity!

After the 2770 Rebellion of the Virginias, all of America (including American Swaziland) is controlled by the reanimated head of Senator Robert C. Byrd. Felicity thinks this is wrong, but how can she maintain her convictions when her grandpa, a political crony of Byrd’s, and her white supremacist friend Emily think differently? …more

“I have always staged my fears as a way to transcend them.”

– Marina Abramovic …more

I’m sorry. It may be wrong to judge people based on their ideas and expectations, but I just wouldn’t date a magician. …more

First, you and your grandmother decorate Easter eggs to put on the Seder plate. This is her Passover tradition. She will have decided that Seder plates “could use a little more color.” More often than not, she will also be drunk. …more

INGREDIENTS:

A 200-year-old stone farmhouse in which every room is painted a different color, and the maid opens the shutters at dawn. …more

Submission Guidelines
by Jane Roper

Dear Writer:

Thank you for your interest in our publication. …more

Dear Professor Julie Abraham,

It’s midnight, and I have to tell you about The Death of the Heart, and how Elizabeth Bowen is clever, and tragic, all at the same time. You’ll notice this isn’t the reflection paper you assigned re: the queer interpretation of Virgina Woolf’s texts (due today) and is instead a letter to you about me. …more

“Then you’ve got Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg. He was handsome too and his eye patch debonair. He was in the German Army High Command, fought under Rommel and did lots of brave things.” …more

The best part of editing the Funny Women column is developing e-mail relationships with various women. (Did I say various? I meant you. Only you.)

Sabrina Veroczi of Booby Hatch* is my new jam. Booby Hatch is an all-female sketch comedy group that recently performed their 3-woman, 1-man show, “Cone of Silence,” at the Upright Citizen Brigade’s Theatre in NYC. …more

First, abandon everyone you know and love. Say goodbye to friends, lovers, would-be lovers, American cheese, and sanity. You don’t need these things in San Francisco. You need isolation. You need Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. You need Saturday nights writing in your blog. This is the required pain and suffering. This is only for starters.

You come to San Francisco to be a writer, just like everyone else. …more

Some people say men aren’t funny. In her memoir I Don’t Care About Your Band, comedienne Julie Klausner says it a few times: (1) “I was tired of pretending I thought he was funny”; (2) “I knew I was funnier and smarter than [insert man's name here].”

Here are a few things to know about Julie Klausner that will help you get the most out of this interview: …more

ACT ONE

Scene: DEREK*, is in his early thirties with a military haircut, moderately toned flab, and tinted eyeglasses. He grabs the 50-pound barbells from the weight room rack and groans awkwardly …more

Kathleen Alcott: Where is the Internet?

Jeeves: Hi, Kathleen. Thanks for writing. Perhaps I’ll answer your question with a question of my own: Where the hell have you been? …more

77%* of Americans say they believe in angels.

That doesn’t mean we like them.

Sure, they were cute–at first. Maybe you thought you’d never get tired of those sweet rosy faces and chubby behinds. But now… …more

If you enjoy The Rumpus Funny Women column, follow it on Twitter.

It happens in all our lives. We put down our golf clubs to peruse the mail that the butler has brought on a silver tray, when we discover an invitation to a beheading. Naturally, our minds turn to deeper thoughts: how should we behave, who should we bring, and what should we wear? As I’ve oft said before: successful attendance at any assembly depends on deft preparation. This is especially true of a public execution. …more

Season’s Greetings everyone!

…more

To start a revolution, we need more than just a column.

Occasionally we’d like to link to particularly hysterical funny women all over the Internet.

Edith Zimmerman at The Awl makes me laugh. Below is an excerpt from her column, Letters to the Editors of Women’s Magazines, with Edith Zimmerman:

“As a teenager I always wore baggy clothes—I was considered a tomboy. Once I started reading InStyle, I was finally able to put together my current classy look. Not only do you show great fashion and beauty ideas, but you tell the reader how to get them for herself. That’s why I love this magazine.
Garima S., via instyle.com (InStyle, November 2009)

As a teenager I used to put a toilet paper roll in my underwear and tell people I had a dick. I don’t do it as much anymore, but sometimes I still do it.
Charlotte T., Kansas City”

Read all the letters.

**

Send your links and submissions to funnywomen AT therumpus.net.

Dear Future Dads,

So, you’re expecting a baby (by “expecting” I mean “dreading,” and by “a baby,” I mean “the consequences of using that glow-in-the-dark condom from 1989”)! That’s wonderful! …more

Dear Johnny Depp,

How are you? I am fine.

I recently purchased the Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End Remote Control Mini Battle Pirate Ships – Chinese Junk and Rockin’ Black Pearl plus Jack Sparrow and Sao Feng Mini Figures. …more

“On a more serious note, I don’t think women have enough space for expression. Some people like to believe women don’t poop. This is absurd. I poop an insane amount. I just pooped, in fact. Hear that men of the world? I poop. Get over it.”

The Rumpus’s own Elissa Bassist, editor of the Funny Women column, interviewed by PANK Magazine here. We’re so proud.