Dear Sugar: The New Rumpus Advice Column

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Dear Sugar: FAQ

Q: What sort of advice column is this?
A: If you took all the by-the-book common sense of Dear Abby and the earnest spiritual cheesiness of Cary Tennis and the butt-pluggy irreverence of Dan Savage and the closeted Upper Eastside nymphomania of Miss Manners and crushed them down into a single diamond-hard gem of pedantic know-it-allism, that’s the sort of column that would make Sugar puke.

Q: What are your areas of expertise?
A: Contract bridge and failure.

Q: Do you have any sort of overarching philosophy?
A: I don’t. I’ve had a few in the past – “Pass the Dutchie on the left-hand side,” “Lie whenever possible,” – but they always wind up costing too much to maintain.

Q: What sets Dear Sugar apart from the other advice columns out there?
A: I’ll be answering all questions within 30 seconds of their receipt.

Q: Is Sugar your real name?
A: Sugar is what we in the advice column racket call a “handle.” It’s intended to foster false intimacy with the reader. This initial deceit lays the foundation for what will hopefully evolve into a deeply disingenious relationship.

Q: Are any questions off limits?
A: No. There’s a legal injunction that prevents me from speaking publicly about a previous marriage. But as long as no one asks me about radio talkshow host Michael Savage or pederasty, we’re fine.

Q: Is there any sort of money-back guarantee?
A: Yes.