★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Glenn Beck.
Glenn is a guy who has a TV show. He seems to be perpetually on the verge of tears, makes weird faces, and pretends to believe the unreasonable things he says. I’m not sure what the point of Glenn Beck is, but, to be fair, I’ve never watched a full episode of his show. I’ve tried, but if I stare too long I begin to feel dirty for having indulged. Like staring too long at a disfigured person you encounter at the mall. It’s compelling, but inappropriate.
Glenn used to make me feel emotions. The first time I saw him he said, “America is turning into an aborted Hitler fetus.” Or something like that. I was both terrified and angry, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. Now he’s said so many alarming things that I’ve become desensitized to him. It’s unfortunate because I know he wants to warn me about a lot of things.
I really admire his shamelessness. He says things that no one in their right mind would believe – things that are easily refutable. And he stands by them unflinchingly. I wish I could do that. Once I got in an argument with my wife. She asked why I didn’t use the coupon for the Ovaltine I’d just bought. I said there was no such coupon, and then she pointed to one on the counter. I admitted she was right, but Glenn never would have stood for that. He would have said, “That’s not a coupon, it’s a marketing gimmick that’s tearing the fabric of this nation apart.” And as his eyes swelled with tears my wife would have hugged him, forgetting all about that coupon.
I started wondering why Glenn acts the way he does, and the only reason I could come up with is that he must like the attention. He’s like Kanye West jumping on stage, or an Octomom running out to meet the paparazzi. “Look at me, look at me! Please, look at me.” Glenn is one of those troubled kids who misbehaves because if he doesn’t, no one will notice him. And now the world is his parent and it’s teaching him the wrong lesson.
Glenn probably doesn’t feel very good about himself, and why would he? Now when I watch him he doesn’t make me angry, he makes me sad. He just wants to be loved. Don’t we all.
Please check back next week when I’ll be reviewing your face.