HALLOWEEN, 2010
★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Halloween, 2010.
My mother always taught me not to take candy from strangers, and that’s why I have never celebrated Halloween. My therapist said maybe I was being too literal and extreme, so I decided to celebrate my first Halloween just to prove him wrong. Boy was it a doozy!
I searched a thrift store for the cheapest costume available. Between a box labeled “sexy nurse” and another labeled “sexy cat” I found one labeled “used Borat” for only $1.50. There were dozens of them. The costume revealed a bit more skin than I would have preferred, so I wore a pair of evening gloves I found with a pair of panty hose. Halloween isn’t Halloween without a mask, so I also threw on an old homemade Howdy Doody mask I had in my attic.
No one had invited me to a party, so I drove my van all over town until I found one. I had to drive very slowly, because it was hard to see through the mask, but I eventually found a big party. Unfortunately, the partygoers didn’t have the Halloween spirit. Whenever I asked any of them to trick or treat me – instead of offering candy – they would say things like, “Did George invite you?” or “Ew.”
In the kitchen I found an untouched package of Circus Peanuts. I took them home with me, where I watched the scariest movie I own, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Trick-or-treaters kept interrupting, so I would do my best to scare them by opening the door and chasing them with a knife. It worked really well! Those kids were terrified. So were their parents. Ha ha ha. What a blast.
Celebrating Halloween was so much fun it made me feel sad for all the decades I missed it. That’s why I’ve decided to begin celebrating it once a month. I hope yours was as much fun as mine!
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing handcuffs.
4 responses
Ted, I noticed this year that I gave out twice as much candy as I normally do, leaving none in the house for a classic post-holiday nougat binge. What gives? Do you think it’s possible that some of the “children” who came to my door were actually unemployed adults trying to save money on their candy bill?
I’ve yet to celebrate Halloween, Ted (it’s not much of a big deal in New Zealand) but I think I’ll give it a go next year. Thanks for the review.
Chasing kids with a knife is the best, isn’t it! If I’d read this earlier I’d have suggested you chase Republicans. Maybe next election? Here’s hoping!
Dear Sloan,
It sounds like you were just careless. The CVS near my house is having a big sale though!
Your Friend,
Ted
Dear Elliot,
You’re invited to the Halloween party I’m having next month!
Your Friend,
Ted
Dear Sarah,
I’m a Republican.
Your Friend,
Ted
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