Ted Wilson Reviews the World #68


★★★★ (1 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the abandoned Dodge Omni behind the abandoned bowling alley.

It’s interesting how, when a car clearly belongs to someone, people will try to steal it. But once no one owns that car, all people want to do with it is smash it, sleep in it, and defecate in it. The abandoned Dodge Omni behind the abandoned bowling alley is no different.

When I happened upon it, I thought, “Cool! Free car!” But that was what I was thinking from across the parking lot. When I got closer I could see the toll that mankind had taken on the Omni. The windows were now mostly gone, as were the tires and what little dignity that car came with.

Inside, there were several diapers, some empty cans of whip cream, what appeared to be an ant death spiral, a burnt cell phone, a piece of paper with the word “witch” written over and over, and an odor I can’t begin to describe or understand.

Something about this car made me fear for my life. So I started running. But after only two steps I tripped over the leash that held a desiccated possum on one end, and the Omni on the other. That’s when the crying started. Partly because of the pain of hitting the ground, and partly because I cry uncontrollably when I’m frightened. That’s why in the army they called me Cryface. I cried through most of the army.

I was scared that whatever evil haunted this car might feed off of my tears, so I began wiping them up with the only good thing I’d found in the car: a pair of ladies undergarments.

Just then a hobo came out from under the hood, screaming at me to get away from his house. Seeing this weak, pathetic man put me at ease. Some people are intimidated by hobos and their lawless ways, but to me hobos have never seemed anything other than pitiable. Knowing someone like him could live in this terrifying ride lessened the mystery of it.

I watched from the bushes for several hours until he left. Then I set the car on fire. I felt bad burning his home, but hobos are used to the unpredictable, and that Dodge Omni wasn’t meant for this world.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing the Flintstones.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →