THE RAPTURE
★★★★★ (1 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the Rapture.
This weekend was the Rapture. For anyone expecting a big spectacle or the promise of eternal salvation, it was a bit of a disappointment. As it turns out, none of us made it into Heaven. I’m not surprised I didn’t make it – there’s a lot in my past that God wouldn’t approve of (and I only feel remorse for some of it).
One of the biggest surprises of the Rapture was that even Oprah got left behind. I didn’t see that one coming. Her big finale show was obviously in preparation for her ascent, but it looks like she must still have a big dark secret we don’t know about. (My guess is manslaughter.) Between coming off the high of her big show and the defeat of not making it into Heaven, she must be feeling really down right about now. Fortunately for her she’s got enough money to build a simulated Heaven.
The person who must be the most disappointed though, is God. Imagine throwing the biggest party of all time and no one shows up. And to really twist the knife, all the invitees are all your children. Poor God, that must really be a blow to his ego.
It’s possible a few people may have made it into Heaven. I haven’t seen my barber Sal for a couple of days and he always did seem like a pretty stand up guy. Although once when he was drunk, he told me about another time when he was drunk and how he smothered a bunny. That was the scariest haircut of my life.
I wish I had made it into Heaven this weekend. I’m not really sure I believe in it, but if it’s real, it would have been nice to see my wife again. It would also have been nice to get to fly through the sky. That seems like a pretty neat way to end life. Maybe I’ll take up skydiving. It’s the opposite direction, but it’s better than nothing.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Christ’s return.
