Ted Wilson Library Policy 2012


As many of you know, our own Reviewer of the World, Ted Wilson, is also a 2012 Presidential candidate. While most American voters have not heard of him, they have probably heard of someone with the same name, and according to Ted, that is “just as good.”

Ted has begun to build his administration. Musician Mike Doughty will be Ambassador to the Maldives, Elizabeth Huggins – a teacher from Iowa – will be Vice President (watch her campaign video here), and now we would like to introduce you to the newest member, S.W. Whisler who will be the Director of Libraries.

If you have a specific skill set and think you would make a good member of the Wilson Administration, write to Ted at [email protected]. And now, a message from S.W. Whisler.

Dear Sensitive Voter,

As this year’s presidential election draws near, the future Wilson administration is not wholly deaf to the public’s cries for a “detailed” policy proposal of any kind at all. While we firmly believe that our slogan of “Kiss America’s Heart” more or less covers most facets of both domestic and foreign policy, we realize that some issues do in fact require a more comprehensive strategy. One such issue is our country’s crumbling public library system.

As future leader of the free world, frequent library-goer, and possibly the last living user of microfiche, Ted Wilson believes the nation’s libraries can be transformed from a pathetic and oppressive environment to one of amusement and good times for all citizens. The following blueprint outlines future-President Wilson’s plan to save a sacred national institution:


It’s common knowledge that alcoholics make the best writers. Serving beer, liquor and wine would allow readers to experience firsthand the scourge of blithering inebriation and nominal self-worth that has produced most of the world’s literature. After all, The Sun Also Rises is nothing but a Spanish frat party and A Picture of Dorian Gray just a sad chronicle of cirrhosis. A copy of Dylan Thomas’ collected works will additionally be stocked at each bar stool to guarantee complete obliteration of self-esteem and the inextinguishable recognition of one’s insignificance in the world. This section will no doubt be wildly popular among failed writers themselves.


It’s not unusual to encounter someone from the lower rung of society pleasuring themselves in the library. Decoy libraries will be built for those self-abusers, finally letting regular citizens like you and Ted Wilson enjoy your library time in peace. These fake libraries will be stocked with titles ranging from 1980’s swimsuit catalogs and copies of Good Housekeeping to a more intellectual canon with the likes of Age of Innocence, The Great Gatsby, and of course the preeminent sexual novel of the modern era, Atlas Shrugged. Advocating this natural inclination of the homeless to classic works would not only augment literacy, but encourage scholarly conversation between pleasure-seeking patrons of all tendencies. “Why is that Madame Bovary you’re jostling over? That Emma’s quite a catch, don’t you think?”


Highlighting and even graphically reenacting current and former banned titles serves as an educational tool. Scenes from Fanny Hill, the last book banned in America, teach colonial history, British slang, and the proper administration of the missionary position; similarly, Henry Miller’s seminal work Tropic of Cancer is a shrewd and relevant lesson in recession economics. If a droll and psuedomasochistic (unless you’re reading it) novel written at a 3rd-grade reading level can become the best-selling book in the world, there’s no reason the government can’t ride the wave of unbuttoned Ann Taylor trousers.


It’s no secret that teen after-school programs threaten every respectful library-goer’s well-being. If you haven’t been physically terrorized recently by a teenager at a library, you probably haven’t been to a library for some time. Ted Wilson naturally believes that young adults would be better served attending afternoon activities outside of libraries. Possibilities include forcing teens to live like the miserable Pollyannas from The Boxcar Children or marooning them on an island to fight to the death over a conk shell. Alternatively, future-President Ted Wilson is not opposed to following the advice of the late Maurice Sendak by simply baking children into loaves of bread. Just kidding. Ted does not endorse the baking of children.


If you’re like Ted Wilson, you know how frustrating it can be to look up breast feeding (strictly for research purposes) at your local library. Cock fighting enthusiasts, geological cleavage experts, butchers, and fans of the backyard game “Toss Off” are similarly forced to face blatant discrimination. A Wilson administration would make sure that libraries allow open access to information for all inquisitive minds.


Senior citizen library usage is dying and nothing rakes ‘em in quite like a row of slot machines. The subtle ambiance of digital bells and whistles singing alongside the aroma of shorted Virginia Slims would not only entertain The Greatest Generation, but provide a means of funneling otherwise wasted social security money away from QVC and back to the common, decent public. Gambling revenue would go toward the Melvil Dewey Fan Zone and Theme Park that future-President Ted Wilson also proposes for all our nation’s libraries.

See, the future really does look bright under a Ted Wilson presidency. We preemptively thank you for your vote and look forward to serving you for the next 12 years.

Your Friend,

S.W. Whisler
Future-Director of Libraries