Ted Wilson Reviews the World #180


★★★★★ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing alphabet soup.

My earlier audio review of the alphabet reminded me that alphabet soup exists, and I have yet to review it. If you’ve never heard of alphabet soup before, it’s a soup where instead of the flavor being the theme, it is the inclusion of letters.

Book soup would have been more interesting because I often get very bored eating soup, and there are only so many words you can make with a handful of letters. With a book there would be hours of entertainment. It’s likely no one has ever invented book soup because of copyright restrictions and licensing fees.

One of the secrets about alphabet soup is that the letter M is never included. If you don’t believe me, go buy a can, open it up and try to find the letter M. You’ll find every letter but. What they did, to save money, was just throw in some extra Ws. I don’t think it’s fair to charge for the full 26-letter alphabet when you’re only getting 25.

You’re probably wondering what the alphabet tastes like. Me too. I always get so distracted by what I can spell out with each spoonful that it never makes its way to my mouth. One time the letters spelled out “danger,” which I took as an omen about the safety of the soup and I instinctively pushed it off the table. I tried to decipher the mess on the floor to see if it offered any further insights but there were none.

This is the mystery of alphabet soup. What does it mean? I consulted with a professional lettererologist I met at the junkyard. He told me that he could decipher the meaning of any warm bowl of alphabet soup. After giving him several bowls he explained that each letter represents a different level of yumminess. I don’t understand what that means.

The more I think about it, the weirder it seems to ingest the alphabet. But, I’ve ingested weirder things.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing purple.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →