Ted Wilson Reviews the World #185


★★★★★ (2 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing strollers.

They say that necessity is the mother of invention, so whoever invented the stroller must have had their arms too full to hold a baby. I’m not sure what else he or she may have been carrying. Perhaps other, better babies. Or maybe something that if you put it down, it would run away. Like a kidnapped baby. Or a squirrel. I had one of those run away on me once.

The stroller, originally called a baby carriage, first appeared centuries ago. Some scientists believe it was not invented for infant transport, but that it was intended to be a watermelon carrier. I have a theory that if the inventor of the stroller was baby-sized, then clearly the intent was a car of some sort.

It’s impossible to know for certain what the inventor intended. All we know is that the original baby stroller is pathetic when compared to a modern stroller, with it’s all-terrain wheels and iPod holders.

Today’s stroller can fold up, but what is gained in convenience is lost in safety, as there is an increased risk of injury if the baby is not removed first. I’ve never seen such an accident firsthand, but I have imagined it in great detail and let me tell you, it’s disgusting.

Stroller manufacturers reading this will probably immediately recall any folding strollers for fear of a lawsuit. I’ve also seen a number of strollers that were accidentally made with three wheels instead of four. Those should be recalled as well.

For this review I decided to purchase the best stroller out there and test it out. I didn’t have the $700 needed, so I had to sell my car. I was still $100 short so I donated a lot of blood. Possibly too much blood, because as I was leaving the department store with my brand new stroller, I began to feel dizzy. I hoped the stroller might work as a walker, but the thing just rolled out from under me and into traffic, where it was hit by a truck. The driver sped off. I don’t think the inventor of the stroller ever anticipated it could wreak such havoc.

Much like a stand-alone KFC that has gone out of business and been replaced by a bank, a stroller looks out of place when being used for anything other than baby transport. After retrieving mine I tried using it as a golf club and got quite a few stares. Without a baby in it, a stroller is almost useless.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Julia Roberts.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →