Ted Wilson Reviews the World #202


★★★★ (1 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Toucan Sam.

Toucan Sam is probably the most famous of all the toucans. In fact, I can’t think of a single other toucan. Sam is the mascot for the breakfast cereal Froot Loops. A more fitting name would be Toucan the Misleading Toucan Named Sam because the product he sells contains almost no fruit, and is not even loop-shaped. The shapes are donut-shaped.

I feel slightly sorry for Sam. As a fictional character, his future is dictated for him and has no will of his own. He is forever trapped, selling a cereal that isn’t what it claims to be, knowing he is lying to innocent children who aren’t educated enough to discern between a donut and a loop. If you look closely, you can see a hint of desperation in his eyes.

What is possibly the most cruel thing to happen to Sam is his multicolored, striped beak. It looks very unnatural and no other toucan would be attracted enough to his mutation to want to mate with him. He is destined to never reproduce.

The more I review Toucan Sam, the more depressed I get. I’m sorry but I have to stop this review.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing sunshine.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →