IDENTITY THEFT
★★★★★ (3 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing identity theft.
Your identity might be stolen right now and you don’t even know it. A good way to check is to see if you’ve been locked out of your email or if there are a lot of out-of-state purchases on your credit card. In extreme cases of identity theft you might find someone else is now living with your spouse and children. (Note: This is not always identity theft. It may only be a failed marriage.)
Aside from the inconvenience of identity theft, it also raises great existential questions. Without my identity, who am I? If someone else is me, can I be me too? Do I have to become someone new? Would I have to steal someone else’s identity to replace my own, and would doing so perpetuate an endless cycle of identity theft like a game of musical chairs until there is one person who is no one? Is that where orphans come from?
I spoke with a woman who looked like she might be a security guard to get her thoughts on internet security. She didn’t have any. Fortunately, I’m an amateur expert on the subject. Not only have I had my identity stolen multiple times by some very convincing emails, but I’ve also sometimes borrowed some identities.
If your identity is stolen, don’t take it personally. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, which is why I don’t mind when someone makes a voodoo doll of me. Just think, with over seven billion people in the world, someone decided to be you! That’s pretty special.
They say one way to prevent identity theft is by being careful with what information you put on the internet. I wish someone had told me sooner so I wouldn’t have made a Ted Wilson mask. Now anyone who wants can download my face and wear it to a bank robbery. And guess whose door the cops will come knocking at. I’m keeping a Mike Robertson mask next to my front door just in case. No one would suspect him of a bank robbery.
If you’re considering becoming an identity thief, remember that when a person fakes his or her own death, that identity is up for grabs. Not legally, but morally. It would almost be a crime not to use that person’s identity.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a porsche.
