Ted Wilson Reviews the World #214


★★★★★ (2 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing cotton candy.

Cotton candy is named such because its texture is reminiscent of cotton. It was invented during the Depression when there was no money for real candy, so farmers began selling cotton sprinkled with sugar. When the economy recovered enough for people to object, cotton candy as it is now known was born.

It takes a lot of cotton candy to feel full. A lot. Too much to really measure because it is mostly air and you need to be a scientist to measure something that’s invisible.

Most cotton candy is made using a large air-spinning apparatus called a cotton-candy machine, but there are smaller versions available for purchase at many retail outlets. Or you can make cotton candy at home with just a hair dryer. It’s messy but you can lick the mess off pretty easily.

When eating cotton candy, watch out, because it’s very easy to get it stuck in your teeth. And if you eat a large amount just before falling asleep, it’s possible to wake up with your teeth stuck together as if your jaw has been wired shut. If this happens to you, try drinking a lot of hot water through a straw until the cotton candy dissolves. Or if you wear dentures, just take those out and steam them.

Of all the candies, cotton candy is probably the most fun, especially for being named after a fabric. The only other candy that even comes close is the Ring Pop, which is a lollipop gem on the top of a toy ring. You wear it and you eat it, just like edible underwear.

I made some of my own edible underwear once out of cotton candy. It was incredibly difficult. Very sticky and messy and looked more like an edible diaper than anything else. The genius about the Ring Pop is you can lift it to your mouth. I couldn’t get my mouth anywhere near the cotton-candy underwear. And when I sat down in it, it stuck to my couch. The ants just loved that.

If the economy continues on the upward trend it’s been on since the Depression, we may eventually be wealthy enough to have cotton candy fields. Then the cotton gin will have to be reinvented.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Beetlejuice.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →