Ted Wilson Reviews the World #215



★★★★ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the Earth’s core.

The Earth’s core is a big ball of molten lava. Or so they say. I’ve ever seen it and neither has anybody. It’s so hot that it can ruin the feet of anyone who gets too close to it, even people who can walk on coal. If you meet someone without feet, there’s a possibility it was lava.

When I was young I wanted to dig a tunnel to China. This isn’t possible because the Earth’s core would melt your shovel before you got there. If it were possible to dig a tunnel straight through the Earth, what would happen when you jumped in? You’d fall all the way down but you wouldn’t pop out the other side because you can’t fall upside down. Would you simply come to a rest, floating in the very center of the Earth? If so, a tunnel to China may be the key to unlocking man’s ability to fly. Or float at least.

The center of the Earth is a place of wonder and mystery. Some people believe it’s full of mole men. This is untrue. I know this is untrue because mole men aren’t real and probably never were. I say probably because I’m not willing to say mole men are impossible. If you think about it, a mole and a person could have some kind of sex together.

If we could remove the Earth’s core, it would make great storage space or a hiding space from an alien invasion. They would think no one was home.

The Earth’s core provides plenty of solutions to our problems. People who are concerned about global warming don’t ever seem to mention all the heat emanating from inside the Earth. A good way to cool things down would be to install valves on all the volcanoes and periodically let some of the heat out that way. We could vent the heat into hot air balloons and let them float out into space. That would solve global warming and provide a fun way to travel the solar system for people who never want to come back here.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Daniel Day-Lewis.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →