Ted Wilson Reviews the World #218



★★★★ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing my sponge.

I use a sponge to clean my dishes. I’ve had the same sponge for over ten years and it cleans dishes just as well today as it did when I got it, although it is much much smaller and a very different color. It’s become such a part of my life that I even gave it a name: Todd. I had a cat named Todd but he died, and I feel like he was reincarnated as my sponge. This probably didn’t happen because Todd didn’t die, he just ran away after a week.

Todd, the sponge, was purchased at True Value for only 63 cents, discounted from 89 cents. Beforehand I was using my shirt sleeve to clean dishes. It was much messier and not nearly as efficient.

Todd has an odd smell. That’s why I wear a clothespin on my nose when doing dishes or entering the kitchen. I would not recommend wearing a clothespin on your nose as it is very painful. I tried conditioning myself to the smell by cutting out small pieces of the sponge and inserting them into my nostrils. I hoped I would get accustomed to the smell, but instead I passed out. When I came to, my body had rejected the sponge.

A lot of people would claim an unbearable odor is an unwanted quality in a sponge. I would say it’s the perfect protection against the sponge being stolen. When my house was broken into recently the sponge was left untouched.

The sponge gets smaller every month. To maximize efficiency, I buy smaller dishes each month. Proportionally speaking, the sponge remains the same size. It makes me feel like I’m growing, which has the side effect of filling me with confidence.

I know the day will come when my sponge will disintegrate. If I hang in there it will become the world’s tiniest sponge, only one sponge molecule in size. I will use that sponge to clean the tiniest fork I have and then say goodbye to Todd. Then I will say hello to my new sponge. I’m open to name suggestions.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing snowmen.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →