Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Christopher Columbus.

A lot of people think of Christopher Columbus as that guy so obsessed with spices that he was willing to risk lives just to make his food taste a little different. Even the world’s top chefs wouldn’t be willing to let people die just to make the perfect dish. Columbus was the ultimate foodie.

What Columbus didn’t like as much were the Native Americans. He did some pretty horrible things to them. I’m not sure what his beef was exactly but they really didn’t get along. I suspect it was misplaced anger intended for Leif Ericson who had reached America before Columbus. Sort of like when a woman is cheated on and she lashes out at the other woman instead of the man. He was really mad at Leif, not the natives.

Columbus renamed the native tribes “Indians.” The fact that hundreds of years later many people still refer to them this way shows how good Columbus was at branding. If he were alive today he might be the next Don Draper. Except he would also be the world’s oldest person and a scientific curiosity.

The fact that his primary mode of transportation was a boat makes me wonder if he wasn’t also a pirate, or at least moonlighted as one. It’s hard to say because records from so long ago are sketchy, not like today. If he was even slightly a pirate, that means there is a treasure somewhere. My guess is people should start digging in Columbus, OH because as The Da Vinci Code and a Nicholas Cage movie that was like The Da Vinci Code have proven, these things are always hidden in plain sight.

On his deathbed, Columbus must have been kicking himself for not spending his treasure before dying. He could have bought more hats and capes or whatever was the fashion at the time.

Given how bad he was with directions he probably couldn’t find his way back to the treasure even if he wanted to. I bet he’s the kind of guy who would refuse to stop and ask for help if he and Mrs. Columbus were on a road trip and got lost.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing the new Porsche 911.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →