Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing hummingbirds.

Hummingbirds are the worst. A lot of people say they’re pretty to look at but to be completely honest their size makes me uncomfortable. I always worry I might step on one without seeing it when I’m walking outside. I’m constantly checking the bottom of my shoes out of fear there will be a smooshed hummingbird there. So far nothing, but it’s only a matter of time.

In fact, these birds are so small that you can’t even taste them in a hummingbird pie. Check any hummingbird pie recipe and they don’t even show up as an ingredient. You know that statistic about how many spiders the average person swallows in their sleep in a lifetime? I wonder how many hummingbirds we swallow.

Do you ever wonder why you never see a flock of hummingbirds? I think I know the answer. They are total loners. Given their small size I think a lot of them are orphaned because as babies they are too small to see and the parents just give up.

Spotting a deer is no big deal – those things are huge. But spotting a hummingbird takes skill, which is why hummingbird hunters impress me so much. Not only must they have amazing eyesight but they must also use such tiny guns. Or maybe they don’t use guns at all. They might use fishing poles to cause less damage. Birds love worms just the same as fish.

I don’t take joy in seeing the death of any animal but I do feel as if hummingbirds must be kind of relieved when the end comes. They spend so much time flapping their wings (around 50 times per second). It must be really stressful. One time I was walking through the park and it was a clear, sunny day when I felt something small and wet hit my face. I think it might have been a hummingbird tear.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing my dirty socks.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →