Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing a baby I saw.

I saw a baby and figured I better review it before it grows up and passes away. From a distance it looked like your standard baby – small, round, generally cute, and androgynous.

When I got up close to the baby to see it in more detail I was less impressed. It wasn’t as cute as I had thought and it had a strange scent I had not anticipated. I asked the mother if the baby was wearing some type of baby perfume but the mother didn’t speak any English.

Whereas I had hoped to get many of my questions answered by the mother, I was forced to find out everything on my own. So I took out my magnifying glass to get a closer look. That’s when the mother took the baby and ran away. She probably thought I was trying to light the baby on fire with my magnifying glass. I would never do that. Not even if it was Hitler as a baby. Instead I would kidnap him and raise him and nurture his artistic side.

Despite all the drama, the baby was very calm and well-behaved. Almost like a doll. It was like a very lifelike doll that could only come to life in a fairy tale. Except it was already alive, as if I was living in a fairy tale and witnessing a miracle. A miracle doll-baby. It was amazing.

I tried taking a photo of the baby but my phone has no camera, so I had to take a picture with my face. I can’t remember much else about the baby except it was headed east.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Indiana Jones.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →