Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Earl Weinstraub, P.I.

If you ever suspect your spouse is cheating on you, or you need to locate a spouse who vanished with all your money, or you need someone to locate your spouse’s corpse, hire private investigator Earl Weinstraub. He’s also available to find lost puppies, as I hired him to do. Sure, he didn’t find my puppy but not for lack of trying.

Earl checked three different dog kennels, the classifieds in the paper, and asked people on the street if they had seen any stray dogs. He said it would have made his job easier if my dog had a name or if I had any photos of it. Oh well. After that he set out a trail of doggy treats which led to a cage. He didn’t catch my dog but he did nab a cat and a squirrel. Unfortunately they got trapped together and made quite a mess.

I was a little surprised Earl didn’t drive a fancy car or smoke cigars like most private detectives I’ve seen. That was a definite letdown. He does own a gun though, and he let me play with it. I used it to put the squirrel out of its misery even though I felt that was the cat’s responsibility.

Earl’s prices are a little bit more than I had hoped for. It was $540.26 for not finding my puppy. I asked Earl if he would let me not pay him because that’s a lot of money but he said no. It was worth an ask. One time I got a free hat just for asking.

While Earl definitely works hard, he’s not the warmest person. I feel like he must have been injured. Like maybe he was on a case and he saw his lover killed by a gangster and it forever changed him and now he can no longer connect with people because he’s worried that if he gets too close then someone near him could get hurt. He said nothing like that ever happened but of course that’s what he would say. It’s too painful for him to talk about. Poor Earl.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing flour.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →