Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Alpo.

Most people think of Alpo as a dog food, but when you’ve bought so much that you need to rent a van to carry it all home, and then your dog runs away, you have to find new ways to think about it. You can think of it as a supplement to canned soup, kind of like Hamburger Helper. Don’t think of it as a good ingredient for smoothies. It’s not.

It turns out that mixing the wet and dry together in the proper amounts makes a malleable, albeit lumpy clay which can easily be formed into a rough approximation of a missing puppy. Just don’t leave it outside overnight, otherwise you’ll find your lost puppy effigy has run away again, this time in the mouths of raccoons.

Having several hundred pounds of Alpo stockpiled throughout your home give your house a weird odor. Your neighbors may start to notice it and someone may call the police because they’re worried they smell a desiccated corpse, and then you have to walk the officers through and explain it’s just all the Alpo that your dog didn’t eat because it ran away and then the officers laugh uncomfortably and ask if there’s a hidden camera somewhere and when there isn’t, they schedule a visit from social services and you pretend to need help because you enjoy the weekly visits from Bernice.

I guess in the end, what I’m saying is Alpo can be a life-changing thing. Similar to when you’re minding your own business, walking into a barn and then you encounter a murder you weren’t supposed to see and end up running for your life, worried for months on end that the murderer might find you. It starts off as one thing and turns into another. Kind of like the ingredients in Alpo. Once it was a cow or something maybe and then it’s a dog food.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing my plumber.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →