Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Pine Ridge Pet Cemetery.

The trouble with unmarked graves is you never know who’s in it until you dig it up and look. And even then I think it would be hard to tell because typically people aren’t buried with their wallets. The same is true for pet graves if not truer, because pets don’t come with wallets.

The security guard at the cemetery mistook me for a gravedigger when he found me with a shovel at 3 a.m. The shovel was only for digging snow so I could see if there were any unmarked graves that might belong to my missing puppy. It was 3 a.m. because I messed up all my clocks during daylight savings time a couple of months ago.

When I explained myself, he was sympathetic, got himself a shovel, and helped me start digging. I was both nervous and excited. I didn’t want my puppy to be buried there, but finding a gravestone that read, “Here lies Ted Wilson’s missing puppy, name unknown” would certainly have given me a sense of closure. The security guard got tired and cold after about 15 minutes and I thanked him for his time. (I hope he wouldn’t give up so easily if it was his pet we were searching for.)

Being all alone in the middle of the night in this cemetery was quite creepy. Perhaps even creepier than a standard human cemetery, because animals are so good at digging—so there’s a greater likelihood one of them will be able to come up out of the grave. That’s great news for the pet and the pet’s owner, but scary for anyone else.

There are a lot of graves in the Pine Ridge Pet Cemetery and I couldn’t discern any order. They weren’t alphabetical or sequential. Perhaps they were ordered by pet size? I’m not sure. They could certainly improve that, maybe with a telephone app or some new technology. If you forgot where your pet was buried, I don’t know how you’d ever find it again. You’d have to settle for the gravestone of a pet with a similar name if you were in a hurry.

Anyway, I didn’t find my puppy there. For that reason alone I give this place five stars.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing snow.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →