Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing my returned puppy!

I asked the clerk at Kinkos, “Of the people printing lost pet flyers, how many of those pets are found?” She had no idea. That didn’t sound like very many to me, which is why I felt so relieved when I found my lost puppy in my neighbor’s backyard!

As I ran to hug/catch my puppy, I excitedly tried to call out his name but stopped dead in my tracks. The first time he ran away before I could name him. Finding him now was a little embarrassing, like running into someone you know at a party and blanking on their name. I just said to my puppy, “Hey, it’s you!”

Feeling the pressure to name him before he could run away again, I decided to call him Marcus – an idea I got from the ID tag he was wearing which said Marcus on it. I guess someone had a leftover ID tag and put it on him while he was missing. There was an address on the tag as well, so I mailed it back with a note that read, “I’ve got him now. Thanks.”

Marcus grew a lot in the days since he went missing. Or maybe it only seems that way, since the very last time I saw him he was a tiny speck in the distance. I guess that was an optical illusion.

What’s most interesting is that he wasn’t a Pug when he ran away, but now he was. I know seahorses can change gender just like humans do, but I’ve never heard of dogs changing their breed. I called the first scientist I could find in the phonebook to alert the zoology community to this. She said it sounded interesting but that she is a phlebotomist which isn’t a type of scientist. I had mistaken her for a lobotomist which I later found out is also not a type of scientist.

I never got to know Marcus that well before. I only knew that he was cute and could run fast. I’ve gotten to know him better in recent days, and to be honest, I’m not sure I like him that much. He seems to only get up for food. Sometimes when I leave I return to find he’s destroyed several objects. He’s scared of strangers and pees on things to mark his territory which I find arrogant. I think we may not be a good fit.

If you’re interested in owning him, please email me at [email protected] I don’t know how much he’s worth but I’m open to a fair offer.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a sand castle.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →