Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing gold.

Gold is the most famous of the elements, but not the most valuable. The most valuable is probably going to be one of the radioactive ones, because they are in very high demand by people wanting to build nuclear bombs. No one wants to build a nuclear bomb out of gold, as pretty as that would be.

Gold is available in both solid and liquid forms. I guess it can be a gas, too, according to science. I think that’s what gold spray paint must be. I’ll have to look into that more and get back to you.

If I owned a bunch of gold I would try to shut down all the gold mines because every chunk of gold that comes out of the ground would devalue the gold I own. It’s the poor people who want gold mines to stay open, in the hopes they can get some of it. That’s why only poor people work in gold mines. You never see people in tuxedos coming out of a gold mine. Not unless they got really lost.

There are some fancy restaurants that put gold flakes on your food so you can feel rich and powerful by basically eating money. I tried that once. It was empowering but the gold had no flavor. I had to put a lot of salt on it to get it to taste like anything. If you’re one of those people who has convinced yourself you’re allergic to gluten, go ahead and eat all the gold you want. It’s gluten-free.

Recently they discovered a planet made out of diamonds. Amazing. If there was one made out of gold, the aliens living on that would be so rich! There wouldn’t be any poor people or homelessness, but it would be really hard to dig in the ground to plant crops. They would have to import all their produce and eat a lot of packaged food.

Gold can say a lot about a person. Mostly just how much disposable income that person has. Many famous rap musicians wear gold around their neck as a signifier to their level of success. The more gold, the better he or she is at rhyming. I wore a gold pendant I bought at Zales but no one mistook me for a rap star. I said I was Eminem’s dad because no one has ever seen him.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Viggo Mortensen.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →