Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing spaghetti.

I’ve never been a fan of spaghetti. Not even the time I won a spelling bee in grammar school because my opponent misspelled “spaghetti,” and then when I accepted my trophy a girl kissed me on the cheek and whispered “I like champions.”

First of all, spaghetti is made of flour and water. I’d much rather have my flour in a cookie and my water in a pool. Because of spaghetti, I’m missing out on countless pastries and swimming opportunities.

You’ve probably noticed how no one ever gives spaghetti as a present. That’s because no one wants it. If I opened a present and it was a box of spaghetti I would be polite about it, but the second I was alone I would try to squeeze all the water out of it. Whatever was left I would pound back into flour with my fist.

When you first open spaghetti it’s all hard and stiff, but then when it’s time to eat it it’s wet and wobbly. I don’t trust foods that shapeshift like that. That’s why I don’t eat those pills you soak in water until they expand and become a dinosaur sponge. I only eat vitamins.

The inventor of spaghetti didn’t even try to make it look nice. When it came out looking like a pile of dead, pale worms, he or she said, “looks good to me,” and walked away. At least take the time to weave the spaghetti into a small basket or something pleasant to look at. Nobody wants worms.

If I had to say something good about spaghetti, I guess I would say I like how it’s so cheap. You can buy a 10 lb. package for a few dollars and use it as a door stop. Most door stops are more expensive than that.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing asbestos.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →