Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing my bed.

Only a handful of people have ever seen my bed, and most of them are dead now.

My bed still has the same mattress it came with when I was twenty. That was over sixty years ago and goes to show they don’t make things like they used to. Sure, the mattress isn’t perfect. One of the springs popped out and stabbed me in the thigh last week, but I should have known better than to roll over so quickly. My mattress doesn’t respond well to sudden changes in pressure.

I feel a little guilty when I pass any mattress store—they seem to be having a “blow-out sale,” with discounts impressive enough to make me consider replacing my mattress. I won’t do it though. My mattress still works. It has an impression of me contoured perfectly to my figure, and we even have matching scents. You can’t buy a mattress like that.

The box spring is perfect. I have no idea what it’s supposed to do, but not only does it do that, it also doubles as my safe. I have thousands of dollars stashed inside it. A little bit less than I used to have since I found a mouse living inside who had turn a bunch of money up to make himself his own bed. A bed within a bed. It blew my mind.

The frame of my bed needs some work. I think termites got to it. It falls apart, often while I’m asleep, which can be quite startling. I’ll be having a dream that I’m eating ice cream when suddenly the floor drops out from beneath me and I wake up in a pile of bed and there is no ice cream.

I also got a splinter from my bed frame once that I was never able to get out. I can still see it under my skin.

The best thing about my bed is I put it on wheels. I haven’t used them yet but it would be fun to eventually transform the rest of the bed into a street-legal car and drive it around town in my pajamas.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing mush.

Ted Wilson is a musician, good friend, and widower. His website iamtedwilson.com features all of his reviews (even the banned ones), exciting videos, a live interview with Ted on the radio, and interviews with some of the world's top celebrities! More from this author →